Super sized

You’ve got a big Super Bowl party to put together. You have screaming children demanding to be entertained. What to do? Plop them in front of the electronic pacifier for a whopping eight straight hours of this hit Disney cartoon. “Phineas and Ferb” is a cute comedy about two stepbrothers who concoct bizarre plans every day of their summer vacation that inevitably piss off their pill of an older sister, while at the same time their pet platypus goes on secret spy missions to stop an evil genius. The two plots always manage to somehow tie together, and there is often singing. My focus group of 3- and 9-year-olds can’t get enough of it.

I don’t typically follow football, but this year I got sucked into the race for the Super Bowl by my older brother, who has been a diehard Jets fan since emerging from the womb. The New York team had a good run, coming so close to the big game before falling to the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC championship game. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier. My brother doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of having his team play in, much less win, the Super Bowl, because he is an asshole. And yes, it runs in the family. Anyway, this year’s Super Bowl will feature the Colts versus the New Orleans Saints. Based on my entirely superficial knowledge of the sport, I give the edge to the Colts, because they have Peyton Manning, who is both cute and surprisingly funny, and prettier costumes (is that the word?). Look for a halftime show featuring that totally relevant and fresh rock group, The Who. 

It’s been nearly two years since we saw the last edition of VH1’s answer to “The Biggest Loser.” Maybe the network was too preoccupied with its never-ending slate of skank-related programming, or maybe it was just waiting for another crop of has-beens to get porky enough to humiliate and exploit. (Probably both.) So welcome your newest batch of the super-sized fame-adjacent: original “Project Runway” winner  Jay McCarroll, ex-“Baywatch” babe Nicole Eggert, Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach, the soulless husk that was Bobby Brown, and especially awesome, Britney Spears’ ex-, Kevin Federline, and the baby mama he ditched for her, former “Moesha” star Shar Jackson. Awkward! And sweaty!