"Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show"
Tuesday 10pm, CBS
I’ve been pondering who exactly this program is aimed at. Since it’s supposed to sell overpriced bras and panties, you’d presume that it’s women. But since the unmentionables are worn by unspeakably hot women (Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Marisa Miller and The Klum among them) parading about in high heels and skimpy wings and things, you’d think it’s for straight men. But then you consider that the Spice Girls are performing on it, and you realize that no, this is for the gays. Ultimately, I’d like to think that Vicki S’s fashion show offers a little something for all of us, and we’re lucky that the Tiffany Network airs this sucker each holiday season. God bless America (and boobies!).
"America’s Next Top Model"
Wednesday 8pm, CW
Cycle nine started out with one of the prettiest crops of girls we’ve seen in years. So how is it that now that we’re down to the Final Four, none of them deserves to win? Last week’s booting of mildly autistic Heather removed the season’s main player from the game—she won the viewer-voted Covergirl of the Week slot literally every week, and took some of the best pics—and none of the remaining alternatives offer the complete package. Dim blonde Chantal has never really hit any highs or lows, just remained comfortably adequate. I love Bianca for her coltishness, but she’s house bitch and house bitch never wins. Jenah takes amazing photos, but her buckteeth and ratty albino weave make her look almost crazy in person. And finally, Saleisha is too bland, too annoying and too uneven to win, even without that hideous Tootie bob Tyra cursed her with. At this point we can hope for a Jenah win, but brace for a Saleisha victory. Lesser of two evils time, folks.
"Larry the Cable Guy Christmas Special"
Wednesday 9pm, VH1
Nothing says Christmas like bad redneck jokes, bawdy carols and Tony Orlando. VH1 has never exactly cultivated a sophisticated audience, but this is aimed awfully low, even for the network that brings you "Flavor of Love." Fresh off ice-cold flops Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector and Delta Farce, the man who makes Jeff Foxworthy look like a New Yorker-caliber wit has rounded up one of the most remarkable Z-list casts you ever did see. We’re talking Jim Breuer, Carrot Top, Penn Jillete, Jamie Kennedy, George Wendt (George Wendt?!) and even Flavor Flav himself. Were Rip Taylor and Charo busy? Somehow Vicki Lawrence got roped into this, and that makes me very sad indeed. Oh, and Kid Rock and the North Pole Dancers will stop by. This program is brought to you by the letters P, B and R, and not in an ironic way.
