A Christmas Story
Tuesday, TBS
It’s not quite the Yule Log, but it’ll do. TBS replays the 1983 holiday classic back to back to back until 8pm Christmas Day. A Christmas Story is right up there with National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and Scrooged as ’80s holiday movies I have to watch every year. (…Yes, I have terrible taste in movies.) The marathon lets you catch the choice bits while skipping some of the slower ones. Tune in for the "tongue frozen to the pole" scene, tune out for the "Ralphie’s bungling of the tire change" scene. Come back for the unveiling of the oh-so-classy "fra-gee-lay" leg lamp, skip the mildly terrifying encounter with the mall Santa. Just make sure you’re back for Ralphie’s triumphant acquisition of the Red Ryder BB gun, which he then uses to promptly shoot his eye out. Well, almost. Bonus: He works as a great cautionary tale for today’s greedy little urchins!
"Saturday Night Live Goes Commercial"
Saturday 9:30pm, NBC
Since the strike has screwed up "SNL" even worse than the daily late-night shows, the stalwart sketch show has resorted to numerous clip packages in recent weeks. This, however, is definitely the best bet for laughs. "SNL" has had some amazing commercial parodies over the years. I’ve no idea which ones will be featured in this second collection, but I sincerely hope we’ll see "Cracklin’ Oat Flakes (Now With Ecstasy)," "Calvin Klein’s Compulsion," "Easy Date," "Jewess Jeans," "The Love Toilet," "Metrocard" (possibly Roseanne Barr’s finest moment) and "Celine Dion’s More Duets That Prove That I Am The Best Singer In The World." Some of them were included in the first special, but they’re good enough to air every time.
"Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve"
Monday 10pm, ABC
I have the utmost respect (well…I have some respect) for Dick Clark’s many accomplishments over his interminable TV career. But please, ABC, can we let him finally retire his New Year’s Eve post? Since his stroke a few years ago, it has frankly been sad and uncomfortable to watch him attempt to ring in the New Year among celebrities 50 years his junior. His successor/succubus Ryan Seacrest is standing right there; just hand the reins over to Princess Frostylocks and be done with it. In any event, guests for this year’s shindig include the very big in 2007 Fergie, Plain White T’s and Akon; let’s hope they disappear with the rest of the year when the clock hits 12. If you’re looking for something a little more salacious, click over to MTV, where bisexual bachelorette Tila Tequila is hosting her "masquerade" ball staring at 11pm, with musical guests Mary J. Blige (ugh), Kid Rock (UGH!), and DJ Travis from Gym Class Heroes (he’s O.K., actually).
