The Sex Issue 2012

Here’s what we know to be true, according to the results of our recent reader sex survey: When it comes to the bedroom, you folks like to keep things familiar. That means a majority of you are in committed, monogamous relationships; you’ve only slept with a handful of people; and, if given the opportunity, you likely wouldn’t consider cheating (good for you!). And, while half of you are interested in playing with toys in the bedroom, our sources say you’ve been reaching for vibrators that still look and feel like the real thing.

There are a few anomalies, though—nearly a third of you have had a threesome and twice as many have had sex in public (that’s the spirit!)—which prompt us to help you continue your path of sexual awakening…or veer you off your boring course. In other words, we’ve turned down the bed. Try not to simply lie in it.

Love me, ’tender
Between the alcohol and close proximity, barhoppers often make the folks pouring the drinks the object of their desire. (It doesn’t hurt if the bartender’s a real cutie, either.) Charlottesville native Jon Bray, who tends at Ten, explains it’s just part of his job.

C-VILLE: Do people ever hit on you when you’re working?
Bray: Oh yeah! Absolutely.

Who hits on you?
I probably get hit on more by guys than girls. I don’t know why.

How do you know when someone wants you?
It’s usually pretty obvious. You know, it’s more like a vibe or the way they look at you. Sometimes I’ll set a drink down and get a little brush of the hand or something like that. Of course there is the classic leaving their number on the check.

How does it make you feel when someone is flirting with you?
It’s definitely very flattering. It’s a confidence booster when somebody likes you—especially if they’re good looking.

Do you ever flirt back?
Oh yes. It kind of comes with the territory. You’re trying to sell more alcohol, so you get a little flirty, particularly with older ladies that are out with the girls having fun. I’ve never hooked up with a complete stranger who came into the bar, though. If you want stories like that, you have to talk to bartenders who work at the Corner.

What is your best bar flirting story?
Once a guy and a girl came into the bar and paid their checks separately. When I looked at their credit card receipts, they had both left their phone numbers. That was pretty funny.

12 to 18
That’s how old 69 percent of you were when you lost your V-card.

Art exhibitionism
When it comes to first dates, visiting an art opening is usually a pretty safe bet. A gallery walk is a hassle-free, unintimidating activity that gives you plenty to talk about. This month’s opening at Firefish Gallery should be quite the conversation starter, but you might want to save it for a partner you’re already—how shall we say—well acquainted with. 

Through February, “Sin: A Group Collective of Erotic Art” is showing in a private room on the second floor of the gallery space, and features erotic art by 10 local artists, including nude studies, erotic photography, and sculptural interpretations of erogenous zones. According to a press release, the exhibit “aims to push boundaries with works ranging from graphic to subtle,” and “beg the viewer to question not only their comfort level but also to question the definition of ‘erotic.’” That might be a tall order if the exhibit were just pictures of the disrobed, but “Sin” also includes work by a jeweler and a fashion designer. Stop on by, and Firefish might just inspire you and your companion to get a little—how shall we say—creative on your own.

Love the one you’re with
62 percent of you said you’re in a monogamous relationship, while 11 percent of you said you’re in a relationship, but that it isn’t monogamous.

Desire: A roadmap for women
By her credentials, Anita Clayton is a UVA Medical School grad and seasoned psychiatrist. But, more plainly, she’s a cartographer of sexuality, a doctor devoted to helping men and women map their desires and drives. While working as a Navy psychiatrist, during the advent of Prozac, she worked with men who found their drives diminished. (In fact, Clayton’s 2001 study of antidepressants and desire is featured on a Trivial Pursuit card.)

However, as Clayton wrote in her 2007 book, Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy—and as she said in her office during a recent interview—there is no surefire way for addressing desire disorders in women. “The problem with looking at sex disorders in women is, we don’t have a road map for how sex should work,” she said.

Clayton is involved in the development of treatments for hyposexual desire disorder and female sexual arousal disorder. LibiGel, a testosterone gel that is applied to the arm, is three years into a five-year safety study, part of its FDA approval process. She also studied Flibanserin, which went before the FDA in 2010 but was ultimately not approved.

“This was one of the problems with not having a road map,” said Clayton. The FDA “wanted certain outcomes that maybe were not great outcome measures.” For men, a “successful sexual event” means an erection that is hard enough to penetrate. But that idea doesn’t translate from men to women, and other outcomes—say, “satisfaction”—were difficult to quantify, and indirectly related to desire.

“If you think about your sexual desire, you can have desire without ever participating in sex,” said Clayton. “And you can participate in sex without ever having desire.” But there are routes to desire, as particular as your partner. And Clayton’s work could make it easier to find a more direct path.

A whopping 73 percent of you said you’ve had sex in a public place.

Exercise: It does your sex life good
It’s intuitive really, the hotter your engine burns, the more steam you’ll release between the sheets. If academic databases were free, we’d cite the proof through the relevant journals, but they’re not, so here’s a little Google primer on how exercise and sex make for perfect bedfellows.

Women who had finished 20 minutes of cardio exercise were more subjectively and objectively aroused from seeing an erotic film than a similar group of women who had not exercised. (livestrong.com)

Exercise causes the release of endorphins into the limbic and prefrontal areas of the brain, as proven by a 2008 study. The increased level of endorphins may also influence the buildup of hormones that power your libido. Endorphins also reduce stress, which is a major sex drive inhibitor. (livestrong.com)

According to one study, 45- to 55-year-old women who exercise report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than women who don’t exercise. (psychologytoday.com)

According to research in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, sexually dissatisfied women who took up yoga and practiced mindfulness techniques reported higher levels of arousal and desire—and better orgasms. (womansday.com)

According to a recent study conducted at Duke, up to 30 percent of obese people seeking help controlling their weight indicate problems with sex drive, desire, performance, or all three. Often, the latest research shows, these problems can be traced to physical conditions that co-exist with obesity. (medicine.net)

A Harvard University study found that athletes in their 40s and 60s had the same amount of sex as non-athletes 20 years younger. And it gets better. Men who run are better able to achieve and maintain an erection, and women who run have an easier time getting aroused and experience more intense orgasms. (runningtimes.com)

Sex itself is an intense physical activity requiring strength and endurance. As you exercise, both your strength and endurance will increase, opening the possibility for more varied sexual positions that require greater physical control. (marieclaire.com)

In a study of 31,000 men over age 50, Harvard researchers found that aerobic exercise resulted in a 30 percent lower risk of erectile dysfunction (ED). More specifically, according to another study, aerobic activity that burns at least 200 calories per day (equal to fast walking for two miles) can significantly lower the risk of ED. (everydayhealth.com)

29 percent of you said you’ve slept with 1 to 5 people.

Food for your mood

If it’s true that we are what we eat, then the libido-inducing properties in these foods may turn us into love-making machines.

Almonds
The smell alone gets the ladies hot and bothered, but this nut is also essential for a man’s healthy production of hormones.

Avocado
It tastes great in guacamole, sure, but the folic acid helps metabolize proteins to give you more energy.

Bananas
Unpeel one for your lover—they contain the bromelain enzyme, which has been said to reverse impotence in men.

Basil
This base for pesto may sound like an unusual aphrodisiac, but it helps the whole body relax.

Celery
Crunch a few stalks of this greenie before you strip down. It contains androsterone, an odorless hormone released through male perspiration that turns women on.

Garlic
We hate to break it to you, but garlic contains allicin, which increases blood flow to the sexual organs, making it an ideal ingredient in the bedroom. (Just bring an extra breath mint to dinner!)

While a third of you deemed your current sex life “good,” a very sad 4 percent of you said it’s “awful.”

Bad touch
What’s the opposite of sexual healing? We all have our kinks, but “kinks” don’t describe the list below, which includes the sort of things we didn’t tolerate in 2011 and sure as hell don’t want in 2012. Sadly, like faked orgasms or herpes, sexual misconduct can happen anywhere. (Although Peeping Toms really like John Street, it turns out.)
Below, a select list of sex-related criminal charges in Charlottesville during the past year.—Brendan Fitzgerald

Forcible sodomy: 3
Object sexual penetration: 2
Child pornography, electronic access: 6
Prostitution: 5
Peeping Tom: 9

1-3
That’s how many times a week 48 percent of you are getting it on. A lucky 1 percent said they’re doing it more than 10 times per week! (Who has that kind of time?)

Not-so-fine lines
Unsure how to start talking to that beauty at the bar? Here’s a hint: Don’t use any of these pickup lines, that’s for sure!

“Excuse me, but is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?”
“Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m sterile.”
“I’ll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.”
“Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?”
“Giant polar bear (What?) It’s an icebreaker. Hi, my name is…”
“Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?”
“I think I could fall madly in bed with you.”
“I’m drunk.”

Predictably, a majority of you are getting down on the weekends—Saturday in particular. What’s surprising, though, is the uptick on Tuesday. More than 30 percent of you said that’s when you feel frisky.

Five senses, six organs of admittance
When it comes to keeping things from getting boring in the bedroom, there are plenty of ways to crank up the heat. For starters—and on these cold winter nights especially—do turn up your thermostat in your bedroom, if you absolutely must make love there. Nothing is less sexy than wool socks and long underwear at bedtime. Get naked, get free, and leave some lights on, so you can see your lover.

Make it more exciting by getting out of your bedroom and finding a cozy place somewhere else in the house. Got a fireplace? Perfect. If not, there is bound to be a spot somewhere that lets you break out of your usual routine.

In order to keep things interesting and exciting, the key is to change things up a little, and to try to involve and stimulate all your five senses. Everyone is different with respect to what they like, but start with these suggestions.

Sight: Wear something sexy. Lingerie not only looks sexy, but will make you feel sexy. Candlelight or a soft light is better than pitch-black darkness. Watch something together that turns you both on, whether it is your own naked bodies, a sexy film, or erotic images in a magazine or online. Go shopping for sex toys together. Experiment with different sexual positions.

Sound: Talk about what turns you on, what you would like to do to your lover, and how you like to be touched. Share anything you feel comfortable with (fantasies, compliments, sexy stories, etc.). Read erotica together. Send each other naughty messages and voicemails to start anticipating your sexual encounter with ardor, but use your personal e-mail account!

Taste: Find out what foods and drinks you find sexy and then have them handy—before, during, or after you make love. Taste your partner’s body—plain or with drops of honey, chocolate sauce, or whipped cream. Tickle your partner with your tongue, which brings us to the next sense.

Touch: Explore each other’s bodies from top to toe, literally—don’t just focus on the genitals. Caress and massage any body part you like, from scalp to feet. Experiment with the intensity of your touches as well as the type of stroke.

Smell: Some people hate the smell of vanilla, others love it. Whatever fragrance you like, use it! Going on a sexual senses safari is the best way to vacation right at home and give your sex life a boost.—Annette Owens

Charlottesville’s Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She has co-edited the four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).

No glove, no love
Of the 64 percent of you who use protection, 133 of you say condoms are your prophylactic of choice.

R U Lnly 2Nite?
An appreciation of Craigslist’s Casual Encounters
If you are seeking a better, more honest understanding of human sexuality, one unhampered by social conventions like morality and shame, might we direct you to Craigslist’s Casual Encounters section?

“I am 24 white young professional here in Cville.”

“I’m 21, light skinned black female, shoulder length hair,light brown eyes and thick in all the right places.”

“We are a happily married couple with an extraordinary sex life.”

If the personals section were a singles bar, then Casual Encounters would be the bar’s bathroom wall. It’s where we find the number to call for a good time, where we go to hook up with strangers and satisfy our wildest desires. But it’s more than that. It’s also where we look for things we can’t find in our daily lives, and things we’re too afraid to even admit to wanting.

“I am 5’11 blonde hair blue eyes six pack.
I have a thing for black women but I have never been with one.”

“I still have my virginity, I’m asking you to take it from me.”

“Gay guy wanting to get off with girl”

Casual Encounters is rife with dishonesty to be sure; anonymity, secret lives, exaggerated claims of length and girth. But it is dishonesty in service to truth. By denying who we are by day, we’re free to reveal who we want to be by night.

“I want to be screwed while I wear pantyhose tonight… Would love to “daddy forces daughter” role play”

“Have a fantasy to see a guy who can suck himself… Is that you?”

“Is there a group of students who jerk off to porn together? Maybe two first year roommates in old dorms? I wanna join a group of guys, preferably undergrads. Even better if you’re straight.”

Because of the proliferation of spammers, prostitutes, and vice cops out to trap the unwary, posting on Craigslist can at times resemble a hormonal Turing test. There is a constant obsession with authenticity, a continual hope that the person on the other end of the screen is real.

“TOO MANY FAKE PEOPLE ON HERE!!! Just watched the game… tell me who won, so I know your not a spam bot!!”

“Im real. A handsome caring man that would love to hold you.”

“Im trying this again because all I get hit with is spam, I want to meet someone real. I AM REAL”

Desire knows no down time. People post all day and all night, often with an urgency and immediacy that’s a little frightening.

“ANY ONE WANT TO PLAY IM AT PEN PARK BEHIND THE TENNIS COURT WAITING”

Posts can be funny, even if unintentionally:

“looking for a pregnant lady to have fun with …if not pregnant, its ok”

“I think I have one of the best looking dicks ever seen….if there was modeling for dicks mine would be a supermodel…”

Some are cryptic ciphers written in text-ese:

“Hosting 35 510 u up 4 the ride tite ass waitn 2 get rimmed vers lookn 2 get u off send a pic 4 a pic”

Others are lines of demonic poetry:

“looking for someone to come by today and breed my mouth.”

People regularly fail to capitalize the word “I”, as if their id was sneaking around behind their ego’s back. They write in run-on sentences with no attention to punctuation or spelling, their words coming out manic and sweaty. You can almost hear the poster’s elevated pulse.

“posted before meet a guy fuck he was hot looking for someone 18 to 40 black white i dont care discreet yes no game playes or people looking to get paid sad i know im looking for sex yes sex im vertile clean safe discreet love dick lol hit me boy”

And of course through it all runs a steady current of loneliness.

“Are you in a marriage or relationship and yet feeling alone? I am. In many ways, my wife is excellent. However, she does not enjoy or crave intimacy.”

“My friends are all married or dating so they go home early to fuck leaving me … a bit drunk and horny and back at my place alone. Wanna just cuddle and sleep or fuck and go? I’m game for either.”

“w4m 24 (cville) I want to cuddle and more tonight, now… feeling so lonely. Im real it was snowing earlier today.”

What they all share, these tiny cris de groin, is a raw openness that’s nearly impossible to find anywhere else. What could be more honest than people telling each other what they need, what they really need, free of fear or shame? Are we ever more primal than when we’re naked and nameless and in the dark? Are we ever more alive than when we say,

i am horny,
i am lonely,
I AM REAL?—J. Tobias Beard

29
Of the 337 people who filled out the survey, that’s how many said they’d participated in a foursome.

Still haven’t found what you’re looking for?
Maybe your Craigslist ad needs work

Veronica Fitzhugh once asked a male respondee to one of her Craigslist ads why he’d bothered answering when clearly she wasn’t what he was looking for, and vice versa. Why didn’t he just place his own ad?

He’d tried that before, he said, and all he got was scams and prostitutes, and a lot of weird people. He wanted something specific, but didn’t know how to get it.

So she wrote an ad for him that adapted the “I believe in the soul” speech from Bull Durham—and it worked.

“He just wanted a fuck buddy, and I got him that, but first [he had] to be charming and relatable,” she said.

Thirty-three-year-old Fitzhugh met her first boyfriend via an AOL personals ad, her current boyfriend on OK Cupid, and had one of her best sexual experiences ever with someone who answered an ad she placed on Craigslist. She’s a true social networker, a Holly Golightly for the Internet generation. And, as someone who’s actually been paid to write personal ads, she’s in the perfect position to offer you some advice.

The majority of the ads on Craigslist are crude and barely coherent, and they’re almost all written by men. When those men are looking for other men, the “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours” strategy seems to work just fine. But when a man needs a woman, he has to try a little harder.

Men, Fitzhugh says, usually make two mistakes. First, they complain about what they’re not getting, and second, they graphically list what they want. She recommends that they instead focus on telling their prospective mate who they are. Simply informing a woman that you can perform cunniligus for days is unlikely to impress her. Women want to be seen as human beings, not fodder for your fetish.

“The way to get people to answer your ad is to be approachable,” Fitzhugh said. “Show that you live in Charlottesville, that you know what’s going on, whether talking about the weather or a place to eat, or the first place you fucked in public.”

And check the people who respond to your ad to see if they’re local, because if they’re not, they could be a scammer or a professional. Ask them to tell you where they like to eat in town. If they say, “Waffle House is a great place to go,” then they might not be from around here.

“Or if you say, ‘Put your favorite color in the subject line,’ and they don’t do it, you know that they’re inattentive,” Fitzhugh said. “Or they’re stupid, and either way you don’t want to fuck inattentive, stupid people.”

One thing to keep in mind: Looking for a good time on Craigslist is not something you should just blindly wander into. There are dangers involved just as there are in meeting someone at a bar. Except, online hook-ups are all about reading text and subtext instead of body language and vibes. You have to read between the lines and deconstruct what’s being said. Do some detective work. Are they listed in the directory of the school they said they go to? Do they recognize landmarks of the town they say they live in?

Above all, follow your instincts. “When you feel your gut saying stop, you stop,” Fitzhugh said. Don’t second guess it or worry about being polite. “You have to be critical of what people are saying and why they’re saying it to you.”

“There’s always men not getting laid,” she said, because women need men a lot less than they used to. So guys, if your Craigslist ad doesn’t offer something more than just dirty talk and a picture of your dick, if it doesn’t make you seem interesting, then you’re not going to get lucky.

But here’s another reason why Craigslist hook-ups may be the new reality in our post-2008, sub-prime dating market. Old school dates are just too damn expensive.

“There was a point where I was on a fixed income,” Fitzhugh said. “I didn’t have any money, so I set up a Craigslist ad to basically have dinner every night. I was like, ‘Dinner and fun. You don’t have dinner, you don’t get fun.’ Not many people passed dinner, but you know, you do what you gotta do.”—J. Tobias Beard

42%
That’s how many people thought it would be awesome to have sex in an elevator (Steven Tyler lies!), followed closely by “In a hot air balloon” and “In a swanky restaurant bathroom.” Curiously, only 16 percent of you were interested in having sex against the Free Speech Wall. What? Too cold?

Atta boy!
Gentlemen, when you’re out on the weekends, step up to the plate. Are you swinging and missing or are you so afraid of a miss that you won’t toe the line? While we can’t turn you into Albert Pujols, here are some tips, from a woman’s perspective, that will help you connect and remember that 0 for 0 is still a .000 average.

Pay attention. As simple as it seems, focusing your attention on us says a lot. Maintaining eye contact and facing us are the easiest ways to show that you’re genuinely interested, and low-key touching on the shoulder or arm is good, as long as we’re O.K. with it. Throw in smiles and a genuine compliment and you’re golden. If ever you don’t know what to say, ask us about ourselves. I’m always one of my favorite topics.

Leave us hanging…we’ll want more. Since we’ve just met, make your exit when you feel like the momentum in the conversation has plateaued, but offer to call us later. If you don’t have to get home to answer the door all those other ladies are beating down, fake it. Getting too into us too fast squelches intrigue and anticipation. We all want what we can’t have.

Man up. Embrace your masculinity while still being a gentleman: Approach us, be direct, but don’t let your knuckles drag on the ground. Differentiate yourself, initiate conversation with something interesting, and be a nice guy without crossing into wussdom. Remember, confidence is often the sexiest thing you have going for you—and it’ll help you hit a home run.—Sophie Oliveri

Sophie Oliveri is the Public Relations Director for It Takes 2, a locally owned, personalized introduction service that caters to professionals. For more information or to set up a no-cost consultation, call 977-9911 or visit ittakes2online.com.

Old faithful
71 percent of you said you’d never cheated on your partner. And 63 percent of you said you wouldn’t—even if given the chance.

Sex and the city’s gay scene
The dating scene in Charlottesville can make this World Class City feel at times like little more than a World Class Way Station. It’s a town people return to when they’ve already paired off, leaving singletons searching in vain for that special someone. If you happen to be a single gay person in Charlottesville, your love life might feel, at its best, like a continual lesson in optimism, at its worst like a desperate spell at the roulette wheel. Charlottesville may be a beacon of liberality in an otherwise conservative state, but how progressive does it have to be for one’s gay love life to actually progress?

In my circle of friends, most everyone is either coupled or suffering from acute Sleeping Beauty syndrome, waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on a white horse and say, “Put Grindr down, I’m the man of your dreams.” It’s easy to assume the annual influx of students might make things easier—proverbially greener pastures, brought right to your door! But the increase in undergrads isn’t exactly a boon to the man hoping to bypass bar-hopping to the beat of Katy Perry’s latest single. Even Darden attracts only so many MBA hopefuls, not one of whom is wearing a sign that reads, “Eligible Gay Bachelor.”

Add to that the list of Ones That Got Away, potential boyfriends only here for the interim between somewhere smaller and New York City. Their departure necessitates a break, a break so much worse off for the terrible music you’re left with to demarcate the highs and lows of your defunct relationship: Britney, Gaga, Rihanna; a shortlist of present tense pop stars to foretell the brevity of your emotional commitment. If his favorite song’s chorus is just one repeated syllable, do you really think you can make long distance work?

The moral of the story is that dating in Charlottesville is difficult for members of the gay community, but it’s not particularly easy for us anywhere. Romance isn’t a problem you can solve by adding more factors to the equation and it doesn’t get simpler when you attempt to start over. Granted, the dating pool will grow along with the size of the city to which you find yourself moving, but the chances of a successful relationship remain as high as you’ll let them be. Realizing that less, in this case, may indeed be more, is the kind of progress you’ll find in a city like Charlottesville.—Sean Santiago

Liars, liars, pants on fire
More than half of you (which half, we can’t be sure) admitted to pulling a Sally Albright in bed.

Feel the vibrations
Even if those we surveyed are split 50/50 on the use of sex toys, one thing’s for sure: Those of you using them want the experience to feel as real as possible. Ultimate Bliss manager Kevin Bennett says jelly-coated vibrators are the best sellers ’round these parts. They range in price from about $11-20 (for the smaller models, around 4") to $89 for the store’s largest: Doc Johnson’s Great American Challenge. The “door stop,” as Bennett calls it, is 18" long and thicker than a soda can at 8" wide. Balk at the size if you must (we did!), but Bennett said he sold six in 2011 alone. Talk about a big seller.

Here’s where to get your boudoir accoutrements:

Derriere de Soie 105 E. Main St.
977-7455

Spencer’s Fashion Square Mall
973-7172

Ultimate Bliss 2100 Angus Rd.
295-9545

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Square Mall
978-3771

Videos Etc. 2205 Fontaine Ave. #106
293-7545
 

Coming clean
While 93 percent of you said you’d never paid for sex, an honest 23 individuals said they had.

The Meet Market
“Where do you go to meet people?”
I put this question to friends. One responded, “Tonsler Park, 3am, May 21.” The other responded, “Daycare.” So, you folks either treat your private places like your private parts (and keep them covered up), or you haven’t a clue. Here’re a few suggestions on where to meet people. Or, you know, meet people. Wink.—Brendan Fitzgerald

The Miller Center for Public Affairs. Misleading name, but filled with informed folks.

Under the magnolia tree near the Corner. Nature nookie!

The Cowboy Junkies concert on March 1 at the Jefferson Theater. Grab a partner during “Hold On to Me.”

The produce aisle at Integral Yoga.

Tucker Max says: Foxfield. We say: The Montpelier Sheepdog Trials.

The Live Arts Gala. There’s no drama like local drama.

Dating websites. One of them listed 1,248 men and women, on all points of the sexuality spectrum, between the ages of 18 and 120, and within five miles of Charlottesville.

Risk vs. reward
60% of you say there’s no way you’d jump in the sack with someone without knowing his or her name.

Love: 101
It’s not every day that you need a Certified Loveologist, but if and when you do, Staunton-based Nikki Leigh is ready to help, one click or Skype away. Leigh, who graduated from Loveology University and is the author of a dozen books on the topic, can take a couple’s love life to a “better and higher level” by discussing sexual and emotional issues that may have taken the relationship astray.

“It’s so liberating for people to have someone to talk to,” she said. Single? No problem. Like things freaky? Not even an issue. “I’ve heard it all,” she said.

Leigh has many short e-books on topics that range from the art of kissing, to self-love, to the importance of touch. A session with Leigh will run you $50-100/hour. E-mail her at nikki@nikkileigh.com or visit lovecoachjourney.com for more information.—Chiara Canzi

Single and looking
I thought that by the middle of life, expectations of sex would be defined by an adult conversation between the parties in question (rather than blanket assumptions like the classic “third date = sex” rule of the “Seinfeld” era). Au contraire. Shockingly, there are grown men out there who still assume that they are entitled to certain things if they are paying for a woman’s meal.

As a single mother of two, I am not inclined to jump in the sack with the first man who doles out cash for a coffee (nor should any woman be). What follows is a recount of such a date, in which the man expected a little somethin’-somethin’ for his efforts. This man is a retired self-made millionaire that I met years ago and rediscovered on match.com post-divorce. We met for coffee prior to the recounted incident and hit it off. This is how our second date went.—Mary Burruss

6:30pm: I arrive at his apartment (the upstairs of a duplex). He offers me a glass of champagne and a tour of his place.
6:35pm: House tour starts in the kitchen. Contents of refrigerator: roughly three cases of champagne and one bottle of ketchup.
6:45pm: Tour continues. Urban bachelor decor: black leather couch, huge TV, bed directly on floor. He adjusts items I pick up and put down.
7:15pm: He drives us to the restaurant.
7:45pm: He orders a cocktail. I am chilly and put on a wrap. He is upset that I have covered my cleavage.
8:30pm: My date works on his fourth glass of wine and starts telling tasteless jokes.
8:45pm: I order a fig claret to ease the pain of the deteriorated conversation. He orders one as well, and dislikes it but drinks it anyway.
8:47pm: I realize that I promised the sitter I would be home by 9:15. He scrambles to pay the check.
9:05pm: He guns through two yellow lights on crowded residential urban streets. I protest nicely and he ignores me. He pulls into the gated parking area behind his apartment house. “You have to come upstairs to get to your car,” he says. I am standing next to the gate that leads to the street where my car is parked. “Can’t I just go through this gate?” I ask. He is annoyed.

Exactly what was he thinking there? It was only a second date—and just dinner, at that (not a trip to Paris!). Needless to say, we did not make it to a third date.

Ever hopeful, I sent the sitter home and checked my Match account for a better prospect. Unfortunately, real character is rarely revealed online and my next date’s attitudes were downright disturbing. But that’s another story for another time.