What does an orgasm feel like? That’s a question many women have. When someone asks me that, I ask a question in return: "What do you think an orgasm will feel like?" Some women expect to see fireworks when they come or that an orgasm will involve the entire body. Actually, orgasms vary and even seemingly minor muscle twitches in your genitals in response to sexual stimulation count as orgasms.
So what are orgasms? They are best described as more or less powerful releases of sexual tension and arousal, during which breathing and heart rate typically change. The woman experiences muscle contractions throughout her pelvis and genitals, and sometimes in other areas of her body.
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Some women, once they climax, quickly lose interest in any more sexual stimulation. Others are multiorgasmic, which means that they can have several orgasms during a single sexual encounter. Some women are one way sometimes and the other way at other times.
There is no right or wrong way to have an orgasm. Freud claimed that vaginal orgasms (during penile thrusting) are better or more mature compared to orgasms achieved by clitoral stimulation. Amazingly, this myth has survived to this day. If you ask me, Freud should have stuck to smoking cigars. He obviously knew little about women’s sexual pleasure.
While seeing fireworks usually is not part of the deal, there are plenty of women who describe their orgasms as euphoric or even spiritual. Over the years, I have talked to women who enjoy feeling almost out of control when they come, though some dislike feeling vulnerable. In fact, not wanting to "let go" can be a barrier to experiencing orgasm. In those cases, I suggest to a woman that she practice letting go while she is by herself. I tell her to pretend that she is having an orgasm and to go through the motions and the sounds without being afraid of what her partner might think.
What else can a woman do if she has never had an orgasm? If she has never explored her own body and masturbated, that’s a good place to start. Learning to have orgasms by herself is usually easier than with a partner. Many women grew up hearing that they should not touch themselves "down there," so they need to give themselves permission to do so and to enjoy getting off instead of fearing it.
Also, using a vibrator can help since it provides much more intense stimulation than a finger or a tongue can do. In fact, women who for some reason have lost their ability to reach orgasm (perhaps due to longtime diabetes, or multiples sclerosis) often can get them again when they start using a vibrator.
A good book on the subject is Becoming Orgasmic by Heiman and LoPiccolo. The authors have a step-by-step approach that has taught countless women how to climax. Betty Dodson has a great educational video, "Celebrating Orgasm," and other educational material available at bettydodson.com. Check out the website sexualhealth.com for an entire channel with articles and frequently asked questions about the orgasm.
The good news is that any woman who wants to experience an orgasm can make a lot of progress on her own. All she needs is the motivation to want to give it a try.
Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She sees clients in her Charlottesville office (cvillewellness.com) and answers questions online at LoveandHealth.info and SexualHealth.com. She has co-edited the new four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).
