This edition of The Sex Files is devoted to new moms. Unless you adopted your child, you got to this point by having sex. Many new parents want to know when it is O.K. to have intercourse again after a vaginal or cesarean delivery. The basic answer is: There really is no specific time frame. It all depends on how you and your partner feel about it.
Your OB/GYN or certified midwife, however, will usually advise waiting to resume sexual activity until two to three weeks after childbirth due to the risk of infection and to give an episiotomy or other small wounds time to heal completely. On top of that, they will recommend using condoms and other safer sex measures (latex gloves and dental dams) at first in order to prevent infection, as well as coming in for a six-week postpartum check up.
Keep in mind that it takes about six to eight weeks for the uterus to return to its usual shape and position within the pelvis. If your partner is ready to start having intercourse again, but you don’t feel you are, give yourself plenty of time to recover. In the meantime, enjoy “outercourse”—sex without vaginal penetration.
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Following the delivery, hormone levels will change dramatically, causing mood-swings and possibly depression, or simply “feeling blue.” Except in extreme cases, this scenario is perfectly normal. Don’t feel guilty about it—there’s not much you can do about it except be patient.
Women differ substantially when it comes to bodily changes following childbirth. Some women feel irritable and tired due to a lack of sleep and rest. They may feel unattractive, perspire more than usual, complain about painful, large breasts that constantly leak milk, and get dejected about the extra pounds they are unable to lose. Others may feel energized and happy, be just fine about their full breasts, and see their bodies quickly return to familiar shapes. Some women regain a desire for sex after a few weeks; others take longer.
Here are some tips I give new moms:
• Do not push your desire for having sex. Take your time. You do not have to participate in sex in order to show your partner love and affection. Kiss, hug, and talk to each other. Be considerate with each other. Good teamwork really helps!
• Get as much rest as possible. Right after the delivery, try to sleep while your baby sleeps in order to restore your energy.
• Once you feel ready to have sex again, it can be hard to find the time. You may find yourself interrupted by your demanding infant just as you get started feeling intimate with each other. Some parents find it easier to plan ahead for sexual activity if they can get their baby to fall into a certain and consistent sleep/wake rhythm.
• Try to arrange for private time with your partner using babysitters. Go out for dinner or watch a movie together. It is important to schedule private time with each other that does not revolve around your baby or other children.
• If you are a single mom and have the possibility to do so, allow yourself a periodic break from your responsibilities.
• Once you feel ready for sexual intercourse, start slowly with the woman on top, letting her control the level of penetration and the amount of thrusting.
• If vaginal lubrication is decreased, use water-soluble lubricant available in many grocery stores and pharmacies. Especially when breastfeeding, you will be very dry. It’s completely normal and has nothing to do with how much you love your partner.
• If you can, take a mental vacation. Join a yoga class, get a massage, read a good book, or do nothing for a little while.
Finally, a tip for dads: Try to help as much as you can with household tasks and to care for and bond with the new baby. Helping out is the best aphrodisiac for mom.
Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She sees clients in her Charlottesville office (cvillewellness.com) and answers questions online at LoveandHealth.info and Sexual Health.com. She has co-edited the new four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).
