“Hidden Palms”
Wednesday 8 & 9pm, CW
We need a good summer soaper. It’s been how long since we’ve had a delicious guilty pleasure that we can really sink our teeth into? Sadly this…is not it. Poor Kevin Williamson—who peaked way too soon with Scream and “Dawson’s Creek” in the ’90s—is back on TV, this time with a dark, mystery-tinged drama about rich, white teens with problems living in Palm Springs. Suicides, alcoholism and creepy video messages from the dead—there’s some meat here. And the actors are decent, especially the senior cast, headed by “NYPD Blue” alums Gail O’Grady and Sharon Lawrence. But it’s not really clicking and the CW is burning off episodes at double time before the July 4 finale.
“Lil’ Bush”
Wednesday 10:30pm, Comedy Central
Given how ripe for satire the Bush Administration is, it always amazes me how often Hollywood gets it wrong. This adult cartoon was initially conceived as exclusive content for cell phone providers. It might have worked better in that format, since it requires small doses and lower expectations. But on the airways next to still-smart juggernauts like “South Park” and “The Simpsons,” it looks cheap and, frankly, pretty stupid. Bush and his cronies are envisioned as grade-school goofballs trying to suss out various real-world and kid- oriented issues. Bush Sr. is the president and Bar is a horny housewife. Rockers like Iggy Pop and Dave Grohl contribute musical numbers. It has all the ingredients for a successful comedy, except for funny jokes. And that’s kind of important.
“Pirate Master”
Thursday 8pm, CBS
I thought this was a joke the first time I saw a promo. But it’s not. It really is a reality show in which everyday people compete to become the best pirate they can be. Each episode the contestants—who range from bartenders to auto mechanics to assistant district attorneys (!)—are given a treasure map and clues, split into two teams and sent on expeditions to see which group can dig up the treasure first. “Survivor” mastermind Mark Burnett basically robs from his own tried-and-true formula, but complicates the hell out of it when it comes to the social hierarchy on the ship and eliminations. For all of the adventuring, the show gets kind of boring at times, but there’s something awkwardly entertaining about grown men and women expressing their totally unironic desires to become real, live pirates. And there’s some nice eye candy for both sexes, too, with ample skin shots.
