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INSTEAD OF…Losing weight.
RESOLVE TO…Vegetate. Says Jay Leno: “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average…which means you have met your New Year’s resolution.” Holy Spudnuts! Amen!
INSTEAD OF…Trying something new
RESOLVE TO…Not start what you can’t finish. Here’s looking at you, Landmark.
INSTEAD OF…Finding a better job.
RESOLVE TO…Find a job. Welcome to the era of lowered expectations. Economic recovery’s a bitch.
INSTEAD OF…Spending more time with family.
RESOLVE TO…Spend less time with Facebook. Tell Ma and Pa to get off your Friends List. Kick off Grandma, while you’re at it. No amount of bonding is worth being asked to join Meemaw’s Mafia.
INSTEAD OF…Quitting smoking.
RESOLVE TO…Quit reality TV. More addicting and potentially deadlier. Who would’ve thought subtracting 3 or 4 TiVo hours from your day could be so liberating?—Lucy Zhou
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