What’s the one thing that both comedians and the Virginia Film Festival fear? A tough audience! Ba-zing! But seriously, folks—whether you’re trying to make nice with that popcorn-munching silent type in the back row or break the ice with Matthew Broderick at the festival’s Saturday night wrap party, nothing works like crackin’ wise.
We asked a handful of locals for jokes, and got quite the mixed response. (Spiders are good baseball players because they’re good at catching flies? Really? Ugh…) Below, you’ll find some of our finer funnies, along with zingers from comedy legends and a few exchanges from films that will be shown during the film festival this weekend.—With additional reporting by Joey Pickert
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Locals
MICHAUX HOOD
Partner, Charmed Designworks; Pantherburn band member
Q: What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A: Bricks.
ERIC AND LORA KELLEY
Owners, Para Coffee
Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits hopping backwards in a row?
A: A receding hare line.
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J.E. "Chip" HardingJ.E. “CHIP” HARDING
Albemarle County Sheriff
A trooper pulls a woman over for speeding and asks for her driver’s license. She seems confused. “License?” she asks. “What does it look like?” The trooper says, “You know, that little card with your picture on it.” The woman hunts through her purse and finally pulls out a small make-up mirror. Looking in it, she sees herself. Thinking that this is what the trooper means, she hands it to him and says, “Here’s my license.”
The trooper looks at it for a while, then hands it back. He apologizes, and tells her to be on her way.
“O.K.,” she says, “but what are you apologizing for?”
He says, “I didn’t know you were a trooper.”
SANDY ARCHER
Co-owner, Arch’s Frozen Yogurt
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer!
LISA
Waitress and bartender, Fellini’s #9
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve bears.” The bear points at a woman at the end of the bar and says, “Give me a drink, or I’ll eat that lady over there.” The bartender still doesn’t serve him, so the bear goes to the end of the bar, maims the woman and then eats her. The bear goes back to the bartender and asks if he’ll give him a drink now.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “we don’t serve people who take drugs.”
“What are you talking about?” the bear says.
The bartender explains: “That was a bar bitch you ate.”
ALEX MODIC
Member, Charlottesville Comedy Roundtable
A penguin is driving down the road. It’s a hot, hot day. His car starts fuming, so he pulls into the nearest town, and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic looks it over and says, “O.K., it’s going to take a few minutes to go over.”
The penguin goes outside, but it’s really hot, and he sees an ice cream parlor. The penguin buys some ice cream, and he tries to eat it, but it gets all over his face…it’s a real mess.
The penguin goes back to the mechanic, and the mechanic says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
And the penguin says, “Oh no, it’s just ice cream.”
SOPHIA COWAN
Employee, Rebecca’s Natural Food
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders lunch. Once he’s finished eating, he pulls out a machine gun and shoots the place to pieces. As he’s walking out, the manager yells at him, “Hey! You just shot the place to pieces, and you haven’t even paid for your lunch!”
The panda turns to him and says, “I’m a panda. Look it up in the dictionary.”
The manager pulls out a dictionary, and sure enough, the “panda” entry reads:
“Panda (n.): A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
LYDIA KILLOS
Instructor, Ashtanga Yoga Charlottesville
Giuseppe is an old Italian farmer. He has been planting tomatoes for so many years now, his back is bent and his hands are full of arthritis. The weather outside is turning very cold, and he can’t get any help with his crops this year. His wife is also very old, and his only son, Vinnie, is in prison for murder.
Giuseppe writes his son a letter in prison, telling him that the weather is too cold for the old farmer to plant his tomatoes this year, and that he’s sorry, but won’t be able to send Vinnie any.
Vinnie writes back:
Dear Papa—Do NOT plant the tomatoes in the garden this year. That’s where the bodies are buried. Sorry, Papa. Love, Vinnie
The prison guards read Vinnie’s letter before it goes out to his old Papa. The guards alert the police. Within no time, investigators swarm Giuseppe’s home and land. They tear up the soil in the garden behind his house, but they find no bodies.
Some time later, Giuseppe receives another letter from his son:
Dear Papa—That’s the best I could do for you from here. Enjoy your tomatoes.
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Legends
BILL COSBY
“I wasn’t always black. There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.”
JOAN RIVERS
“My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, ‘Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila? Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila?’ Sheila had died at birth.”
GEORGE CARLIN
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?”
MINNIE PEARL
“The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong. Every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.”
ELLEN DEGENERES
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
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Jerry Seinfeld |
JERRY SEINFELD
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
ROSEANNE BARR
“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?”
W.C. FIELDS
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
CHRIS ROCK
“You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. $5,000 for a bullet. You know why? Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders…Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ‘Damn, he must have done something.’“
GROUCHO MARX
“Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
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Now showing
Mr. J (John Waters): Even with the hectic events of the day, Raymond Marble still finds time to satisfy his perverted urges. Watch as he not only commits another act of indecent exposure, but adds to this social horror by making his wife wait in the car. Is there no shame?
—Pink Flamingos (1972)
Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx): Now what is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?
Chicolini (Chico Marx): ’Atsa good one. I give you three guesses.
Rufus T. Firefly: Now, let me see. Has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia…Is it male or female?
Chicolini: No, I no think so.
Rufus T. Firefly: Is he dead?
Chicolini: Who?
Rufus T. Firefly: I don’t know. I give up.
Chicolini: I give up, too.
—Duck Soup (1933)
Walter Burns (Cary Grant): Sorta wish you hadn’t done that, Hildy.
Hildy Johnson (Rosalind Russell): Done what?
Walter: Divorced me. Makes a fella lose all faith in himself. Gives him a…almost a feeling he wasn’t wanted.
Hildy: Oh, now look, junior—that’s what divorces are for.
—His Girl Friday (1940)
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Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot |
Daphne (Jack Lemmon): Osgood, I’m going to level with you. We can’t get married at all.
Osgood (Joe Brown): Why not?
Daphne: Well, in the first place, I’m not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn’t matter.
Daphne: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don’t care.
Daphne: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I’ve been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Daphne: I can never have children!
Osgood: We’ll adopt some.
Daphne: But you don’t understand, Osgood!
[Pulls off wig]
Daphne/Jerry: I’m a man!
Osgood: Well, nobody’s perfect.
—Some Like It Hot (1959)
