Ace, for one, was found on a dark and stormy night on the doorstep of Albemarle County residents Mr. and Mrs. Atkins, tucked in a wicker basket with a letter that read, “Answer me.”

Hi Ace. Bastille Day is coming up, and I was wondering: Can you, gourmand that you are, explain to us why French toast is neither French nor toast? And what are French fries, really?—She-Don’t-Use-Jelly-in-Charlottesville Why are carrots more orange than oranges? Why is Iceland greener than icy Greenland? Why does time fly like an arrow, […]

Dear Ace: It’s well known that Presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died within an hour of each other on the Fourth of July in 1826. What other famous Americans expired on the holiday?—Patrician-Mortician-in-Charlottesville Ace wonders if every classic American patriot—statesman, war hero, spaghetti Western character actor, etc.—secretly hopes his life’s trajectory will end on […]

Dear Ace: Surely you’ve noticed that rather large, frankly ominous structure that popped up recently at the southwest end of the Montalto Ridge, among all those glowing red towers near Carter’s Mountain Orchard? What is it, and should I invest in a tin-foil hat?—Inquiring Mind That hat sounds like a good start. Why do you […]

Dear Ace: What would we be if we were Charlottesburg? What’s the difference between a ’ville and a ’burg, anyway?—Anton Burgess-Deville To begin with, you’d be reading these words in the C-Burg Weekly, not to be confused with that other paper, The Harpoon. Maybe that would be the extent of the difference. Then again, Ace […]

Dear Ace: Who cleans the Free Speech Wall, and how often? I’m trying to determine when it would be likeliest that I would find a wide, empty swath of slate on which to hide an encoded message in plain sight.—Chalkboard-Collaborator-in-Charlottesville The 54′ strip of Buckingham slate that stands at the threshold of the Charlottesville Pavilion […]

Dear Ace: My little sister’s getting married soon, and everyone wants me to make a speech during the reception. Trouble is, I’m a mumbler, I’ve always been struck with stage fright, and my off-the-cuff jokes aren’t funny, they’re just offensive and lame. Won’t you help me work up some gumption, Ace?—Stuttering-Stanley-in-Charlottesville Two words, Stan: Open […]

Dear Ace: I really envy the parents of the next Picasso. Chances are, all they’ve gotta do is let their kid find some paints, a canvas and a brush and she practically trains herself. Me, I’m raising another Federico Fellini, or at the very least a Bertolucci or a Pasolini. So how do you nurture […]

 Dear Ace: I hear the CCDC is running an exhibition about the history and design of the Downtown Mall. What’s up with that?—Pedestrian-Mallrat-in-Charlottesville Good question. Nowadays Ace basically lives at the Mudhouse, having learned to sustain himself on a diet of dried coffee grounds and free Wi-Fi, and like you, he wonders about what exactly […]

Worry not, young skywatcher. To quote Oscar Wilde, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”