No, I didn’t fall and bump my head and your eyes aren’t deceiving you. Marrying for love is actually a relatively new phenomenon. There’s a vast record of arranged marriage in much of the Muslim world, among Hasidic Jews, in India, in many Asian societies, throughout European history, and even in Colonial America. The choice of partner was much too important to be left up to youngsters filled with love hormones. Current day, semi-arranged marriages are more the norm. Acting more like matchmakers, families guide singles to a multitude of appropriate prospects that make sense on a practical level.
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According to Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, only 5 percent of these arranged marriages end in divorce. This statistic may be a measure of how hard it is to divorce, rather than actual marital happiness. But for those that marry first and foremost for love, there are lessons we can learn about benefits of involving family and friends in the choice of mate.
Give your family a chance to have some input about whom you end up with. Now don’t get all riled up by this. I’m not suggesting you give up your independent right to choose and become a momma’s boy. If your folks really see you as an adult (not little Johnnie or Suzie), and they get what’s important to you, they have a pretty decent sense of what you need and whether or not you’re getting it in your current relationship. They know when things aren’t right but they may be hesitant to say it, not wanting to rock the boat. Consider asking them what they think. Say, “I’m serious about making a good choice and I want to know how you feel about us as a match.” If you’re hesitant to ask because you fear you won’t like what you hear, that may be a red flag that there’s something not right about your relationship.
I acknowledge that some parents aren’t capable of offering a balanced perspective. Likely, you know if that pertains to you. Instead, I recommend enlisting the feedback of a few trusted friends. Your friends can see if you’re repeating patterns, often before you can. Ask them to tell you if you seem to be losing yourself in a relationship or if you start dating the same unavailable guy again. This input helps you stay conscious of what’s really going on. If you find yourself not telling your friends key details about your boyfriend, that may be a sign you’re not completely comfortable with certain aspects of your relationship. What if you get feedback you disagree with? Check back here in a couple of weeks to get the rest of the story.
If your folks really see you as an adult, and they get what’s important to you, they have a pretty decent sense of what you need and whether or not you’re getting it in your current relationship.
