It’s that time of the year again for two great traditions that go great together. We speak, ’natch, of the time-honored practice of lying about the status of your term paper. With finals looming, one corner of Charlottesville is teeming with procrastinators—the kind of people to whom we paid tribute 19 years ago for their many excuses for blown deadlines. Not that thesis-eating dogs are the only animals that deserve recognition in late November. Turkeys rank right up there—especially wisecracking ones like Tom “the Angry” Turkey, whom we “interviewed” four years ago, on the cusp of the slaughter.
Paging through the archives
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“‘Eagles, Ravens, Cardinals. If football and Thanksgiving are a natural pair, why not the Turkeys?’
“‘Not to get all self-loathing on you, but have you ever seen a turkey? Interacted with a turkey? Even caught a glimpse of a turkey on TV? If so, you would know that there is nothing about a turkey to inspire thoughts of fleet-footedness, fear, or alpha-maledom—all of which are qualities football teams aspire to conjure when they christen themselves.
“‘That said, Virginia Tech apparently didn’t get the memo. Their HokieBird is derived from a turkey, which sucks for them for the following reasons: First, turkeys are hardly athletic. They’re so fat their wings can barely lift them half an inch off the ground. They’d definitely be picked last for a fifth-grade game of dodgeball. Second, they’re dumb as a box of rocks. While they don’t drown in the rain as rumor has it, when they get scared they all crowd together in a corner and the stupid animal at the bottom often suffocates. One can only hope for the sake of the species that Darwinian theory ensures that in each instance the bird that dies is the stupidest of the stupid flock.’”
Nell Boeschenstein
November 22, 2005
Getting covered
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November 27, 1990 |
