It seemed like only yesterday that the most incendiary Hollywood scandals were Man-Eating Actress A snatching up Milquetoast Actress B’s husband, Leading Man C getting caught diddling the help, or Has-Been Z wandering through the Valley claiming to be the reincarnation of a space god. (Oh, Celestia; come back soon, you nutty funster.) Well, the celebutantes of 2007 put those losers to shame, ably demonstrating why Americans spend millions of dollars and countless hours poring over tabloid rags and gossip blogs, cackling all the way. By the time December 31 rolls around, we’ll have had 365 days of the rich and famous acting completely and totally insane, far crazier than any of us could have possibly imagined. And be honest: You wouldn’t have it any other way.
Crowning the Celebrity Trainwreck of the Year is impossible; three of Young Hollywood’s most notorious princesses were especially ambitious in their acts of public self-destruction. We’ll have to call it a tie (everybody wins! And loses!), but these pioneers each deserve special commendations for breaking new ground in celebrity idiocy.
But they couldn’t have done it alone; 2007 wouldn’t have been the same without the contributions of many, many spectacularly stupid celebrities. So strap in for a tour of the seedy, sloppy, seriously mind-numbing actions that made this year so magical, and for a peek into the crystal ball showing what to expect from your favorite false idols in 2008.
Britney Spears:"Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it"
Spears set the tone for her nightmare year on New Year’s Eve, when she collapsed at Las Vegas’ Pure nightclub and had to be carried out. By February, Spears was doing the rehab Hokey Pokey: one day she’s in Crossroads, the next day she’s out; one day she’s in Promises Malibu, the next day she’s out; then she goes back to Promises and she shakes it all about for a month. In between, she gave her head a Telly Savalas to match the one on her ladybits. And this, gentle readers, was the exact moment we knew that whatever brains were left inside the former Mouseketeer’s newly shorn head had spoiled. And we rejoiced!
On the career front, Spears started her comeback in early May with three "secret" shows that consisted of her half-heartedly lip synching to her old material for roughly 15 minutes. But her coup de grace was opening the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards on September 9. The result? The horror. A flabby, lingerie-clad Spears teetered across the stage while mouthing her new single. She appeared disoriented, unaware of the choreography, and ultimately mortified as she realized that millions of people were watching her live career self-immolation. Consider that just a few years prior her then rock-hard body was writhing around the same stage with a boa constrictor, a spontaneous woody generator for every straight guy on the planet. "Gimme More," Britney? Give us less. Please.
At home, things were no better. Spears publicly feuded with her family and management, accusing them of forcing her into rehab when she was clearly fine (wink wink). She set up an OK! Magazine interview/photo shoot to prove her sanity, but instead the cover story, titled "Britney’s Meltdown," described her as babbling incoherently throughout the session, repeatedly touching her private areas, urinating in front of other people, cleaning up her dog’s waste with a couture gown, and then walking out before completing the shoot or the interview, stealing thousands of dollars worth of designer duds in the process. (Seriously, girl, we expect those kinds of shenanigans out of Andy Dick, not A-listers like you.) On the upside, her divorce from Kevin Federline was finalized on July 30, inspiring hope (or terror?) in any redneck with a Y chromosome that came within 50′ of the starlet.
By the fall, primary custody of her two children shifted to ex-husband Federline amid rampant allegations of child neglect and failed court-ordered drug tests. One would think that a mother would be traumatized by the forced removal of her children, but it hasn’t slowed down Spears’ busy schedule of tanning sessions, Starbucks runs, or nights spent at the clubs or high-priced L.A. hotels. There’s a reason some tabloids refer to her as "Unfitney," y’all.
But stop the presses! Last week Spears got an unexpected challenger to her throne as America’s white-trash princess when little sis Jamie Lynn (star of Nickelodeon’s "Zoey 101") spilled to OK! magazine that she is pregnant—at age 16! Watch your back, Brit: This one’s cuter, younger and clearly just as stupid, and she’s gunning for your headlines! Spears matriarch Lynne must be so proud…
Coming up in 2008: How do you top that VMA meltdown? Short of setting yourself on fire and kamikaze-ing Christina Aguilera while she walks away with your career, I don’t see how. So instead, expect Spears to do what every other white trash princess does when she hits rock bottom: find Jesus. Find him and shove him down the throat of any poor bastard she comes across. Expect a full Tammy Faye Bakker makeover: Persian eye, huge gold crosses, high-heeled boots and an endless supply of baggy sweaters (they’re very forgiving of the Cheetos and Red Bull). Given her amazingly fertile loins (two babies in 12 months!) expect Spears to announce a new pregnancy by mid-spring, and don’t be surprised if the increasingly unhinged starlet tries to pass it off as being of divine conception. Jesus Christ Spears-God has a nice ring to it, no?
Paris Hilton: One month in Prisoner 9818783
If anyone could make orange prison jumpsuits "hott," it was trendsetting heiress Paris Hilton. And the reality TV/amateur porn star got her shot this year after she was busted for not one, but two traffic violations by the end of February, both while already on probation for a 2006 DUI arrest. Totally screwed, on May 4 Hilton bent over to get reamed by the long, thorny member of the law and was sentenced to serve 45 days in prison. She surrendered herself on June 3 and was remanded to the Lynwood Century Regional Detention Facility, which coincidentally experienced a run on Valtrex by the remaining prison population. By June 7, the local sheriff ordered Hilton to be released to serve the rest of her sentence under home arrest (because being forced to stay in an L.A. mansion 24/7 is such a bitch, especially with gourmet cupcake delivery service…). But the Los Angeles attorney’s office and the trial judge weren’t having it. Dismissing her argument that prison life made her extremely anxious and depressed—no shit—Hilton was thrown back into jail on June 8. (The images of Hilton wailing in the back of the cop car: priceless.) Hilton was finally released on June 26, and granted her first post-clink interview to softball champion Larry King, during which she promised to devote her life to helping end poverty and underprivileged kids and stuff. Hilton had planned to take part in an aid mission to Rwanda (it was reportedly going to be taped as a reality TV special), but it was scuttled and as of this writing has not been rescheduled. The DUI offender wrapped up her year by lending her name and image to a line of canned champagne beverages. Class-ay!
Coming up in 2008: Paris will take this save-the-poor thing really seriously (riiight…), and after careful study of the socioeconomic realities of a capitalist society, she’ll realize how it’s designed to keep the poor man down. She’ll then follow in the footsteps of another notorious heiress, Patty Hearst, and reform the Symbionese Liberation Army. (They wear berets, which are so cute!) In addition to personally overseeing the formation of the kinkajou sidekick squad, Hilton will recruit the rest of Hollywood’s young, rich, spoiled and bored into the ranks. But rather than holding up banks to provide food to California’s needy, their demands will be Kitson t-shirts for all, firecrotches for none.
Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded
Per her flack, Lohan checked into the hospital for an emergency appendectomy on January 4. And yet, after her release the next day, she was back on the town, boozing it up. An amazing recovery! Two weeks later, she was discovered passed out in a hotel hallway, and a day after that she checked into the Wonderland rehab center.
 After using up any public goodwill she had with her bad behavior this year, look for Lindsay Lohan to do something truly shocking: work on her craft and become the best young actress of her generation…Either that or she ODs. The kid’s kind of screwed here. |
On May 26, Lohan drove her car into a Sunset Boulevard sidewalk and fled the scene; a search of the car turned up a "usable amount of cocaine," per the police, and Lohan was arrested. The next night, out on bail, she was dragged unconscious from a club. Apparently Lohan had forgotten to take a usable amount of common sense. Zing!
On July 24, Lohan was arrested again, this time for allegedly carjacking three men and then engaging in a chase through the streets of L.A., reportedly following a car carrying her just-quit assistant and the assistant’s mother. When Lohan was arrested, she failed field sobriety tests and a search of her pants turned up trace amounts of cocaine; Lohan claimed that the drugs were not hers—and neither were the pants. That she was wearing. And that, incidentally, made her ass look fat.
Shortly after the incident, Lohan checked into the Cirque Lodge treatment facility in Utah and, through her publicist, admitted to being addicted to drugs and alcohol. Since leaving Cirque early this fall Lohan has virtually disappeared from the party scene, but on November 15 she served a whopping 84 minutes in jail for her crimes. (Whew! Prison! That was a bitch, eh, Linds?) For those keeping track, Lohan turned 21 on July 2.
Coming up in 2008: With her last several movies stinking up the box office, Lohan has decided to focus on her even less successful music career. The Pollyanna act can’t last long; Lohan comes from a family of famewhores (mom Dina has already brokered a reality show deal with E!, and dad Michael is shopping around one himself), so she’s going to need to make headlines somehow. But after using up any public goodwill she had with her bad behavior this year, look for Lohan to do something truly shocking: work on her craft and become the best young actress of her generation. That’s right; Oscars, Emmys, SAG Awards—it’s only a matter of time. …Either that or she ODs. The kid’s kind of screwed here.
The best of the rest
Other celebs who unraveled in 2007
10. Paula Abdul
While doing press for "American Idol" in January, Abdul appeared via satellite on several local TV news broadcasts acting even more out of her gourd than usual. Technical difficulties and lack of sleep were the excuses, but allegations of drug or alcohol abuse swirled. In the summer we found out the truth courtesy of her short-lived Bravo reality series: Paula’s just kind of batshit insane, but in a harmless, kind of pathetic way. Predictions for 2008: During a particularly heated exchange with fellow "Idol" judge Simon Cowell, expect the Abdul Model 6000 to finally blow a circuit. After her cyborg body is pried open, authorities will find the Taco Bell Chihuahua secreted inside and learn that it’s been posing as Abdul for years. The real Paula will be discovered living as a bag lady in Des Moines.
9. Alec Baldwin
In April, the press got hold of a voicemail left by Baldwin to his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland. In the message Baldwin berates the girl for not returning his calls and skipping appointed phone chats, culminating with him calling her a "rude little pig." The media went crazy, Baldwin did an apology tour and ultimately offered to step down from his role on NBC sitcom "30 Rock." (NBC wisely declined his offer.) Predictions for 2008: Expect a cool, calm Baldwin to become unhinged at the Emmys when he loses his much-deserved Best Supporting Actor award to the insipid Jon Cryer from "Two and Half Men." Baldwin will rush the stage and beat Cryer to death with the trophy, all the while screaming "Rude! Little! Pig!" America will thank him for a job well done.
8. Isaiah Washington
While filming an episode of his hit medical drama, "Grey’s Anatomy," Washington flipped out and allegedly choked co-star Patrick Dempsey and then used gay slurs to refer to another cast member, later revealed to be T.R. Knight, who publicly came out due to the fiasco. ABC pressed Washington into treatment (for what, rageahol?), and after completing the program he filmed a pro-gay public service announcement and embarked upon a lengthy "gay is good" PR tour. Backstage at the Golden Globes, Washington once again used the "f" word (the other "f" word), sparking his castmates’ ire. He was ultimately fired from the show and launched a one-man crusade to place the blame for the situation on a publicity-hungry Knight and a manipulative, racist press. Predictions for 2008: Washington will continue to be an asshole. What more do you want?
7. George Clooney
Hollywood’s classiest leading man lost a bit of his sheen this year after engaging in a near-slapfight with romance novel cover model/synthetic butter pitchman Fabio. The two were dining at the same restaurant, and Clooney mistook Fabio’s photog companion’s flashes as an attempt to paparazzi Clooney and his guests during their meal. Bird-flipping and harsh words ensued, but the two worked it out. Predictions for 2008: Clooney will put out one of those movies where he wears a nice suit and acts charming as hell, and all will be forgiven. Let’s just stay away from any more Ocean’s Eleven sequels for a while, O.K.?
6. Rosie O’Donnell
"The View" co-host continued to experience the Wrath of Donald Trump (she stated on air that he was a bankrupt fraud), as the mogul told any news service that would listen what a "fat pig" O’Donnell was, threatened to seduce her girlfriend, and alleged that "View" boss Barbara Walters secretly regretted hiring the comedian. This led to a hostile workplace environment for O’Donnell, which climaxed in a series of uncomfortable on-air battles with conservative co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. In May, O’Donnell left the show. She then passed on her dream job to host "The Price is Right" (the post ultimately went to bargain bin Rosie-lite comic, Drew Carey) and plans for a cable news talk show were scuttled practically before they started. Predictions for 2008: Sometime early in the spring, when she least expects it, Hasselbeck will receive the surprise Koosh thrashing of a lifetime. Also, someone will put Saran Wrap over Trump’s solid gold toilet bowl. When pressed for an alibi, O’Donnell will point to suspiciously convenient time-stamped surveillance footage of her giggling in her inversion therapy swing. Hmmmm….
5. David Hasselhoff
Video footage of The Hoff hit the net with him clearly inebriated, shirtless and devouring a greasy sandwich while lying on the floor. The video was apparently made by his daughter to show him what he’s like when he drinks. Predictions for 2008: Since he helped to bring down the Berlin Wall, it’s only a matter of time before the U.S. government enlists Hasselhoff’s help in quelling the sectarian violence in Iraq. Sadly, this will be a fatal miscalculation, as a fatwa was placed on Hasselhoff’s head during his "Knight Rider" days, since everyone knows a gay-ish talking car is the work of the Great Satan.
4. Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen is the lesbian talk show host everyone at work can agree on, right? Wrong. This fall, DeGeneres nearly split the nation in twain with IggyGate, the scandal that erupted after DeGeneres took to the airwaves to tearfully plead with the dog adoption agency that took back the pooch she had given to her hair stylist’s family. The agency refused to give the dog back, angrily explaining that DeGeneres knew the rules (which did include a no-givesies clause), and that she was trying to use her celebrity status to get special treatment. Death threats were made to the adoption agency, animal rights groups crucified DeGeneres—it was a mess. Then when DeGeneres kept filming despite the writers strike, she was further vilified in the Hollywood community. Predictions for 2008: Ellen will try to buy back America’s love Oprah-style by giving new houses to an entire studio audience. But the houses will be built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and shortly after moving in none of the families will ever be seen again. Homeowners groups, the victims’ families and Native Americans will call for DeGeneres’ Keds on a platter. She will finally realize that she’s too damned nice for this business and flee for a quiet life of anonymity in France. They always loved her in France…
3. Amy Winehouse
Bluesy, beehived Brit Winehouse made a huge splash in the music industry this year and has the record sales and Grammy noms to prove it. But by the fall she started to disappear, literally, as her frame withered away to nothing amid rumors of rampant drug use following the arrest of her husband in London. (Winehouse herself was arrested in mid-December on related bribery charges, but she was quickly released.) Winehouse was never a reliable live performer to begin with, but after the husband drama she started to show up to concerts late, totally wasted, and then proceeded to insult her fans. Her tour was cancelled due to…well, everything. Predictions for 2008: Hopefully, Amy will forget her song and actually get her ass to rehab. Otherwise we’re about to watch Janis Joplin all over again.
2. Prince Frederic Von Anhalt
Although not technically a celebrity (he’s a supposed prince of dubious background and the umpteenth husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor), Von Anhalt had a delightfully tab-friendly year. In February he alleged that he’d been carrying on a secret decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith, and then claimed to be i
n the running for the paternity sweepstakes surrounding her recently born daughter. In September the publicity hound struck again, announcing that he’d been robbed by a pack of wild women who stripped him naked and tied him to the steering wheel of his car—and he had photographic proof of his nude "captivity," which was splashed all over the place. Predictions for 2008: Freddy’s getting up there in years, so either he’ll kick it, his long-suffering wife will kick it, or he’ll end up kicking it with fellow camera whore Tara Reid.
1. Anna Nicole Smith
 Anna Nicole Smith probably should have been included with Britney, Lindsay and Paris. But since she was dead for most of the action, it doesn’t seem quite right. |
Smith probably should have been included with Britney, Lindsay and Paris, given her amazing year in the tabloids. But since she was dead for most of the action, it doesn’t seem quite right. On February 8, Smith died from overdosing on prescription medications while staying at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida. New layers of depravity continue to be revealed in Smith’s case, but some highlights: After Smith’s death, a protracted custody battle was waged over her newborn daughter between Smith lawyer/hanger-on Howard K. Stern and her ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead. Paternity tests eventually proved Birkhead the child’s father. The inquest into the recent death of her grown son, Daniel, is ongoing, but points to shady goings-on. Video surfaced of a pregnant Smith behaving severely impaired, with Stern clearly heard in the background "directing" the proceedings. And late in the year a new book alleged that the battle between Stern and Birkhead was fabricated for the public, and that the two were in fact gay lovers trying to defraud the court in the hopes of milking the Smith estate. Both men deny the story and are suing pretty much everyone involved. Predictions for 2008: Smith is more famous and beloved in death than she ever was in life and, sadly, that’s probably the only thing that mattered to her.
