Mystified by the selection of author John Grisham and Dave Matthews Band violinist Boyd Tinsley as the commencement and valedictory speakers for UVA’s graduating class of 2007, C-VILLE went about brainstorming the selection process. While not precisely steeped in “fact” or “reality,” this was by far our most entertaining conclusion. Enjoy.
Dusk had fallen like black ink across a crisp new diploma when a distress call rang through the Fortress of Inexhaustible Charlottesville Superstars. The Barbaric Barber Brothers ascended the parapet of the fortress and searched the skies from the topmost window, where they spotted the familiar letter “V” suspended above crossed sabres, etched into the turbulent night.
“Trouble at Mr. Jefferson’s school!” hollered Ronde (or Tiki).
“But I was just at PVCC,” answered Rob Coles, Thomas Jefferson’s fifth great-grandson. Blessed with the power of disguise, Coles had recently passed himself off as the real Thomas Jefferson at the Piedmont college’s commencement. “Everything seemed swell.”
“Not that school, you dunderhead,” answered Tiki (or Ronde). “UVA!”
A brief meeting with Sean Patrick Thomas (known within this secretive circle as “The Look”) and Professor Larry J. Sabato (Codename: “The Saboteur”) confirmed the league’s suspicions: It seemed as if UVA was sans speakers for the Class of 2007’s graduate exercises.
Most of the ’Stars suspected familiar foes, with the diabolical drama grad Tina Fey topping the list (“Clever…almost too clever,” the league agreed). With a surveillance team (comprising the UVA lacrosse team and the guy in the Cav Man suit) dispatched to track Fey’s latest movements, the heroes set to work finding replacement speakers.
“Commencement alone is expected to draw over 30,000 people,” exclaimed Thomas. “We need two reliable speakers. Anything to avoid a fate like last year’s.”
Charlottesville’s familiar faces fell silent for a moment as they thought back to the May 2006 valedictory speech by Tom Wolfe, whose customary white suit caught the blistering sunlight on the day and redirected the awesome power of the rays across his unsuspecting audience, temporarily branding them with hideous sunburns.
“Never again!” barked Ronde (or Tiki). “We need to send two of our own—two men able to subdue an unruly mob of students and families.”
Suddenly, Sabato’s eyes lit up.
 John Grisham and Boyd Tinsley were called to commencement duty by the Barber brothers and others from the League of Inexhaustible Charlottesville Superstars. |
“Johnny Writer and the Tins-man!” he exclaimed. “The public knows them simply as best-selling author and an inventive musician, locals love their philanthropic work—”
“And,” interrupted Tiki (or Ronde), “they are completely predictable.”
A rousing chorus of cheers rang up—they are! They are predictable!—and the heroes congratulated each other on a job well done.
Tina Fey remains at large.
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