Q: Ace, baby darling, we all know you’re a hopeless romantic. So tell us true: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?—Luv Shaq
A: Shaq, baby darling, Ace is many things (daring, suave, terribly, terribly handsome), but Ace is not hopeless. Otherwise, what you say is right: Ace always tells you true, even when he’s vexed by questions like yours, questions to which all gentlefolk know the answer! Did you sleep through sophomore English class? Did you miss that whole thing about Romeo and Juliet? Let Ace refresh your memory. Romeo sees Juliet from across the dance floor and—bam!—he knows she’s the one. Knows it’s that kind of I-could-kill-your-cousin-I-love-you-so-much kind of way.
Still, Ace understands he shouldn’t be so harsh. Lots of people ignore the classics. So Shaq, Ace refers you to a modern-day example culled from the pages of Ace’s personal bible, The Star. (And by “culled,” Ace means he has no idea if any of the following is technically true, but it should be if it’s not.) It was a snowy day in 1991 when a 13-year-old Ashton Kutcher first laid eyes on the lovely Demi Moore. Turning to his middle-school companion as they sat in the dark watching La Moore prance around in blonde curls as she, a clairvoyant, tries to fix everybody’s business in The Butcher’s Wife, Ashton declared, “Dude! She is way cool even if she is 14 years older than me. One day I’ll be her boytoy/babysitter. It’ll be beautiful, man, and just to keep that lipo-ed booty coming my way I’ll sit through those Kaballah classes or whatever they’re called with all the other kept dudes. Sweet! Maybe if I play it right, I can get to hang out with Guy Ritchie.”
To which Ashton’s buddy said, “Who’s Guy Ritchie?”
But Ace digresses.
Ace comes down squarely on the side of “yes, there is such a thing as love at first sight.” But always one to check his facts, Ace went to the experts. One bloke on the Downtown Mall told Ace that love at first sight is indeed real, but sometimes your vision ain’t exactly 20/20. Put on your specs and Miss Inevitable looks more like Miss Stake. Then there was the gal who said love at first sight is really lust at first sight—which also has its place (the back room at the Tea House, the K-Mart parking lot, etc.).
However the deck is finally cut, whether your love is instant or slow-growing, Ace reminds you, Shaq, that anything worth keeping is worth keeping well. When at last you do find the love of your life, treat her or him—Ace doesn’t want to assume here!—with tenderness and plenty of fresh fruit (use your imagination). But don’t take it to the point where you’re knifing your hunny’s relation. It didn’t work out so well for R and J.
