Night watchman

So. "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." Who saw that one coming?

Aaron "West Wing" Sorkin’s series about the behind-the-scenes drama at a late-night sketch show was one of the most-hyped shows of the 2006-07 TV season—and its biggest flop. It proved that when it comes to TV, there’s no such thing as a "guaranteed hit." You can have a good premise, an amazing cast, a wunderkind writer, boatloads of money, tons of fanfare and a solid pilot, and within a few weeks it can devolve into a preachy, insufferable mess.

On the other hand, some TV shows can surprise even the toughest critics. Series with very little initial buzz—like NBC’s "Heroes"—can become overnight sensations with rabid fan bases. Shows that start off embarrassingly weak—like the Tina Fey/Alec Baldwin comedy "30 Rock"—can work out the kinks and, by season’s end, turn into appointment TV in this TiVo Age.

Bearing that in mind, I present the new shows of the 2007-08 season. Let me level with you, folks: It looks pretty rough out there. There are some bright spots, as some of the networks seem to be taking chances. But there are also a bevy of head-scratching programming choices. (Coming soon: the sitcom "Cavemen," based off those annoying Geico commercials. For real.)

This year there are no "guaranteed hits," but plenty of potential sensations. Make sure you’re not caught at the water cooler unprepared.

ABC: More dudes and drama, fewer ladies and laughter.

The Alphabet Net continues to build on hit dramas like "Grey’s Anatomy," "Lost" and "Brothers & Sisters" with a couple of promising additions. As for comedy, well…let’s just be thankful for "Ugly Betty" and leave it at that.

"Dirty Sexy Money" (Wednesdays 10pm) mixes outrageous class drama with wry wit; think of it as a postironic "Dynasty." Peter Krause ("Six Feet Under") stars as Nick George, the new consigliore to an obscenely wealthy—and just plain obscene—Upper East Side family. The show follows the deliciously catty family and Nick bailing its various spoiled members out of innumerable jams, including illegitimate children and chatty transsexual lovers. The rest of the cast includes Donald Sutherland, Jill Clayburgh and Billy Baldwin.

"Pushing Daisies" (Wednesdays 8pm) is arguably the most inventive new show of the season. Billed as a "modern-day fairy tale," it springs from the warped mind of Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black) and is part detective show, part supernatural drama and part retelling of the Orpheus myth. Ned is a pie maker who has a peculiar ability: One touch brings dead things back to life; a second touch returns them to the grave. He hooks up with a private eye (Chi McBride, "Boston Legal") who convinces Ned to use his powers to briefly revive the dead to find out who killed them so they can collect the reward. Things get complicated when his childhood sweetheart gets whacked, and Ned elects to keep her alive. Even as they grow closer, he can never touch his true love again. Original as all hell, but there are a lot of ideas at work, and it’ll be interesting to see how long they can be juggled in cohesive, believable ways. Also stars Kristen Chenoweth ("The West Wing," Wicked) and an eyepatch-clad Swoosie Kurtz ("Sisters"). Sold!

"Private Practice" (Wednesdays 9pm) has essentially already premiered. The "Grey’s Anatomy" spin-off features Kate Walsh’s Dr. Addison Montgomery relocating to Southern California to join the wellness center she visited in the "Grey’s" two-parter last season. She’s joined by TV stalwarts Tim Daly, Taye Diggs and Amy Brenneman, but there has been one critical substitution: "Alias" vet Merrin Dungey is out and Broadway star Audra McDonald is in as Addison’s med school pal. Gotta say, not happy about that. The "Grey’s" teaser had a distinctly "Ally McBeal"-ish vibe, what with talking elevators and shirtless surfer boys strolling through the office. But if you like "Grey’s" patented sexy doctors having sexy sex, this’ll work just fine.

"Women’s Murder Club" on ABC.

In the loser pile, "Women’s Murder Club" (Fridays 9pm) is based on the series of books by James Patterson (Along Came a Spider, Kiss the Girls) and features four friends—a cop, a DA, a forensic pathologist, and a reporter—who team up behind the scenes to track down killers, and support each other in their personal lives. Angie Harmon ("Law & Order") leads the cast as the conflicted cop. I like Harmon, but all I’m seeing is another police procedural infused with a chick lit sensibility, and I’m moderately offended. Oh, and it’s produced by Joe Simpson, biological producer of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. So now I’m seriously offended.

"Big Shots" (Thursdays 10pm) has all the ingredients for a good show: corporate intrigue, the filthy rich, Dylan McDermott frequently shirtless. And yet the previews are laughably bad. Four alpha males—McDermott, "Alias" alum Michael Vartan, "West Wing"er Joshua Malina, and comedian Christopher Titus—act like men do: drinking, smoking, having affairs, screwing hookers in truck stop bathrooms. Those crazy guys! What worked to empower women in "Sex and the City" fails miserably with men since white, straight guys already rule the planet. Hearing them bitch about how terrible women are and how difficult it is to be a captain of industry renders almost all the characters instantly unlikable. Women will find them smug bastards; men will find them whiny pinheads. I find myself switching the channel.

The lone bright spot in ABC’s new comedy line-up is "Samantha Who?" (Mondays 9:30pm), a nifty show with an awful title. Christina Applegate plays Samantha, a woman who wakes up from an eight-day coma without any memory of her previous life. Her family and friends try to help her overcome her amnesia, but the more Sam discovers about her old life, the less she wants her memories back. Before her accident she was a total bitch—a liar, a cheater, a hateful snob. So she sets out to build a new life for herself by repairing the wrongs she committed in her previous one. Think of it as an upscale, distaff "My Name is Earl." The supporting cast includes Jennifer Esposito ("Spin City"), Barry Watson ("What About Brian"), and the indispensable Jean Smart as Sam’s hilariously awful mother.

"Carpoolers" (Tuesdays 8:30pm) is about as original as it sounds. Four mid-level corporate shlubs drive together to work every day and blather about women, kids, the job, whatever. That’s…pretty much it. Somehow Jerry O’Connell (Stand by Me, "Sliders") got roped into this, and his douchey ex-frat boy character is by far the best thing about the otherwise bland show.

"Cavemen" on ABC.

And then there’s "Cavemen" (Tuesdays 8pm), already a legend in the blogosphere. You know those Geico commercials in which a bunch of badly made-up "Neanderthals" take offense at the insurance company’s slogan? Well some genius at ABC decided that they would make for a great 30-minute sitcom in which a trio of cavemen live in modern-day San Diego and try to integrate into Homo sapien society. The original pilot was so bad that the whole thing was scrapped, recast, and reshot. Somehow "Best Week Ever" commentator Nick Kroll ended up under the lumpy prosthetics and bad fake hair, and that seriously hurts my heart. Expect people to tune in for the first episode out of morbid curiosity. Expect the cancellation notice the morning after episode two.

Midseason report: Darren Star ("Melrose Place," "Sex and the City") rescues Lucy Liu from career purgatory with "Cashmere Mafia," a tamer version of "Sex" focusing on working women, their friendships and fashion. Greg Berlanti ("Everwood," "Brothers & Sisters") is at the helm of "Eli Stone," kind of a male-centered, spiritual "Ally McBeal" about a ruthless lawyer whose faith-oriented hallucinations might mean that he’s a modern-day prophet. And perennial sidekick Judy Greer gets a shot at the spotlight with the comedy "Miss Guided," about a geek turned guidance counselor whose high school life comes back to haunt her when the queen bee from her class becomes a co-worker/tormentor.

CBS: Where mobsters, abandoned children and vampire detectives come together.

The Eye Network continues to rely on its successful slate of procedural series, but the new season will add some much-needed diversity to the lineup.

"Cane" on CBS.

Jimmy Smits returns to TV with "Cane" (Tuesdays 10pm), an epic Latino family drama in the vein of "The Godfather." Smits plays Alex Vega, the newly announced head of the Duque family sugar/rum empire. Hector Elizondo plays the retiring family patriarch, Rita Moreno plays his wife, and Nestor Carbonell plays their son, furious that his adoptive brother was picked over him. Things get nasty from there.

"Kid Nation" on CBS.

If it makes it to air, "Kid Nation" (Wednesdays 8pm) could be the most talked-about show of the season. Forty kids aged 8 to 15 were dropped into a ghost town in New Mexico and tasked with making a fully functioning society. No grown-ups, no rules. It could be a fascinating sociological experiment or a Lord of Flies-style disaster; either way it should make for riveting TV. Parents groups are attacking the show, making a big deal out of the lack of supervision and schooling, the extreme indemnity waivers each kid had to sign, and leaked instances of child endangerment, including cooking-related burns and the accidental ingestion of bleach. But the thing’s already filmed, nobody died and bitching now won’t change anything. To paraphrase Cher Horowitz, why should your baggage get in the way of entertaining TV?

"The Big Bang Theory" (Mondays 8:30pm) is CBS’ new comedy and features two mega-nerds—"Roseanne"’s Johnny Galecki and virtual unknown Jim Parsons—who try to learn about women from their hot new neighbor (Kaley Cuoco, "8 Simple Rules"). The premise seems suspiciously like the reality show "Beauty and Geek," and also fairly limited in scope. How do you keep a show like this fresh? Since it’s from the team behind the inexplicably popular "Two and a Half Men" the answer is probably that you don’t, but people will still continue to tune in to laugh at fart and boner jokes.

"Viva Laughlin" (Sundays 8pm) is a musical drama that follows a career gambler’s struggle to open a casino. It’s got a couple things working against it: 1) It’s the Americanization of a hit British series (BBC’s "Viva Blackpool") and Brit adaptations have a notoriously spotty history; for every "Office" there are two "Coupling"s and a "Men Behaving Badly." And 2) It’s a musical. "Cop Rock," anyone? However, if there’s one man who can make a musical palatable to the American public, it’s Hugh Jackman, who exec produces the series and has a recurring role.

Finally, "Moonlight" (Fridays 9pm) features a vampire P.I. who fights the undead and finds love with a mortal woman. Don’t get attached. If audiences didn’t embrace the brilliant WB show "Angel," which featured an almost identical premise, they probably won’t dig this knockoff. Massive creative shuffling behind the scenes also practically condemns this one to an early grave.

CW: More international plots and gorgeous gals than ever!

The CW goes into its sophomore year with a mostly clean slate. That’s not a good thing. The merged WB/UPN jettisoned several critically acclaimed shows—"Veronica Mars," "Gilmore Girls"—as well as one-time ratings leaders "7th Heaven" and "Reba" in favor of new programming.

The buzzed-about "Gossip Girl" (Wednesdays 9pm) gets the primo post-"Top Model" slot. One of several new fall shows created by Josh Schwartz ("The O.C."), "Gossip Girl" adapts the best-selling teen novels of the same name, and follows the drama of the Upper East Side’s young socialite network and the titular blog that documents its every move. The pilot impressed, with a cast of young, beautiful unknowns, snappy dialogue, and an updated Heathers feel. "Veronica Mars"’ fans take note: Kristen Bell does the voiceovers for each episode.

I’m totally smitten with the comedy "Aliens in America" (Mondays 8:30pm). The parents of the biggest nerd in a Wisconsin high school enroll in a foreign exchange student program with the understanding that their new charge will be a gorgeous Nordic jock guaranteed to make their son some friends. Instead they get a geeky Pakistani orphan. The writing is both funny and sweet, the cast (especially "Caroline in the City" sidekick Amy Pietz as the mother) well selected, and the tone light and breezy. A nice complement to its lead-in, "Everybody Hates Chris."

I want to like "Reaper" (Tuesdays 9pm). Kevin Smith (Clerks) directed the pilot, it stars the charming Bret Harrison (Fox’s aborted "The Loop"), and it has an interesting premise. On his 21st birthday Sam discovers that his parents sold his soul to the devil, and now Nick Scratch has come back to collect. He tasks Sam to work as his bounty hunter, tracking down demons that have escaped from hell. The problem lies in the show’s tone. The nonsupernatural scenes are a lot of fun, infused with a bouncy slacker energy. But the demon-y stuff is très cheesy (his first weapon: a suped-up Dustbuster), and the effects even worse. The show has already gone through extensive retooling, but still needs more work.

"Life is Wild" (Sundays 8pm) features a blended family that’s the anti-Brady Bunch transplanted to South Africa. The scenery is gorgeous but it frankly feels like an ABC Family series. "CW Now" (Sundays 7pm) is an entertainment newsmagazine brought to you by the makers of "Extra." It focuses on teen-oriented fashion and trends, plus gossip, TV, movies and games. "Online Nation" (Sundays 7:30pm) unspools various viral Internet videos. Save your time and go directly to YouTube.

Fox: Proof that cop shows, talent contests and kitchen hijinks work.

The good news is Fox’s fall schedule is better than last year’s, from which just one show survived, the much-hyped, modestly rated "’Til Death." The bad news is that isn’t saying much; nothing could be worse than "Standoff." One new show, "New Amsterdam," has already been shelved.

Fox is seriously pushing "K-Ville" (Mondays 8pm), a cop show set in post-Katrina New Orleans. Points for exploring an interesting locale, but another cop show? Ugh. Anthony Anderson stars as a lifelong New Orleanian who refuses to abandon his hometown; Cole Hauser is his new partner who must be crazy to voluntarily take on the job. Even after his lauded work on FX’s "The Shield" I still have a hard time believing Anderson as a legitimate actor, and Hauser is essentially a poor man’s Mel Gibson. I just can’t bring myself to care.

Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton return with "Back to You" (Wednesdays 8pm) in which they play local TV news anchors. Grammer’s a pro who can spin even the most hackneyed dialogue into comic gold. Heaton perfected the annoyed, emasculating partner on "Everybody Loves Raymond." Everyone involved is pretty much recycling the same shtick they’ve refined over the past decade, including Fred Willard as a bumbling sports reporter. But given the level these actors operate at, they’re reliably entertaining even on autopilot.

Belligerent chef Gordon Ramsay has done well by Fox the past couple summers with his reality competition "Hell’s Kitchen." Now they’ve brought him in for a different kind of reality show, "Kitchen Nightmares" (Wednesdays 9pm), in which he visits failing eateries and administers tough love in the hopes of improving their performance. Think of it as "Extreme Makeover: Restaurant Edition." Fans of eating out be warned: there’s graphic footage of the behinds-the-scenes goings-on, and much of it isn’t pretty. You know that saying about not wanting to know how sausage is made? You might not want to know how it’s cooked, either.
 
After basically printing money with "American Idol" and its summer cousin, "So You Think You Can Dance," Fox has ordered up a third reality talent competition for fall: "The Next Great American Band" (Fridays 8pm). This time it’s real bands, any age range, any musical type that will be up for a shot at fame and fortune. At this point details are scant, save that the show will debut later in the season and have a truncated, 10-episode run. No judges have been announced, the competition format has yet to be revealed, and a prize remains undetermined.

"Nashville" (Fridays 9pm) comes from the brain trust behind MTV’s "Laguna Beach" and is an unscripted show following the lives of eight young country music hopefuls. In other words, it’s incredibly fake. I’ve no doubt these kids are real and want to succeed in the music biz, but they’re all unnaturally pretty and will probably get huge breaks passed off as if it’s just luck (see Lauren’s three-year internship at Teen Vogue on "The Hills").

Midseason report: I’m in love with Fox’s midseason sked; it’s just further proof that the network basically gives up until winter when "Idol" and "24" roll back around. Juliana Margulies ("E.R.") returns to TV with "Canterbury’s Law." Typically I dismiss law shows, but I make an exception here as the preview clips are dynamite, and Margulies is at her ball-busting best. "The Return of Jezebel James" is a new sitcom by the creators of "Gilmore Girls" and features Parker Posey as an infertile career woman and Lauren Ambrose ("Six Feet Under") as her slacker sister and potential surrogate womb. "UnHitched" comes from the Farrelly Bros. (There’s Something About Mary) and stars Craig Bierko ("Boston Legal") and Rashida Jones ("The Office") as half of a quartet of single friends on the dating scene; here’s hoping the show lives up to the very promising previews. And finally, "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" continues the Terminator mythology with Thomas Dekker (Claire’s friend from "Heroes") as teenaged John Connor and Lena Headey (300) as Sarah Connor (was Linda Hamilton busy?). The promo simply rocks.

NBC: The problem with being too ambitious…

To be frank, NBC’s fall slate is pretty pathetic. Of the four new shows only two seem to have any chance at success. The rest seem derivative at best, ill considered at worst.
Initially, one of the network’s best bets was the remake of "Bionic Woman" (Wednesdays 9pm). Since Lindsay Wagner is busy shilling specialty beds, the time has come to revisit the iconic ’70s show, this time with the producers behind the smart "Battlestar Galactica" remake de-cheesing Jaime Sommers and Co. Michelle Ryan ("EastEnders") plays the new 21st century Jaime, whose scientist boyfriend turns her into a cyborg to save her life following a near-fatal car crash. The biotech group responsible for transformation tries to force her into service, but Jaime wants nothing to do with it. She may not have a choice. Unfortunately, "Bionic" fans may not have a choice regarding the show’s future, as original showrunner (and "X-Files" alum) Glen Morgan has been removed from the production staff. Official word is that the show is likely to go into early hiatus for a retooling, but fans may prefer to think of their Jaime as having been sabotaged by the Six Million Dollar Man.

NBC’s other promising new show is "Chuck" (Mondays 8pm), another entry from Josh Schwartz. "Chuck" is an hour-long action/comedy hybrid about a lowly computer nerd who inadvertently reads an e-mail encoded with top-secret government data. That means Chuck’s brain is now one of the most sought-after data banks in the world, and countless forces will do anything to obtain it. Chuck is assigned a hot secret agent to protect him while his slacker friend provides comic relief. Cute, harmless fun that’ll play well with the "Heroes" nerd crowd.

"Journeyman" on NBC.

Aside from that things look bleak. "Journeyman" (Mondays 10pm) rips off both "Quantum Leap" and last season’s virtually ignored "Day Break." Kevin McKidd (outstanding in HBO’s "Rome") plays a San Francisco reporter who inexplicably, involuntarily starts traveling back through time. On these jaunts he finds himself repeatedly bumping into several people, including his long-dead fiancé, while in the present his friends and family worry that he’s lost his mind. I wonder if NBC’s programming execs have lost theirs for greenlighting this boring idea.

"Life" on NBC.

Conversely, the premise behind "Life" (Wednesdays 10pm) sounds almost too interesting. Damian Lewis ("Band of Brothers") plays Charlie Crews, a cop who gets framed for murder and sentenced to life in prison. While there, Charlie becomes a devotee of Zen Buddhism, and after 12 years is released when DNA evidence exonerates him. In return for his wrongful imprisonment Charlie is given a multimillion-dollar settlement, as well as his old job back on the force. There, alongside his new partner (the gorgeous Sarah Shahi, "The L Word"), Charlie uses his knowledge from both sides of the law and Zen mindset to solve crimes. So it’s not just an ex-con cop, or a Zen cop, or a rich cop, it’s an ex-con Zen millionaire cop. Even if audiences follow the complicated premise, I’m dubious that Lewis can carry a show on his slight shoulders. He’s way too fresh-faced to be playing a man imprisoned for 12 years, and he’s a nonentity. That might work for the whole Zen shtick, but it doesn’t scream "TV star."

Midseason report: Brooke Shields, Kim Raver ("24"), and Lindsay Price ("Beverly Hills 90210") star in "Lipstick Jungle," an adaptation of "Sex and the City" author Candace Bushnell’s book about alpha females juggling careers and relationships. And in the best news of the season, NBC has announced that syndicated ’90s game show "American Gladiators" will make a primetime comeback later this year. With that combination of public humiliation and gratuitous beefcake, who needs Howie Mandel and his suitcase-toting models? On Gemini, on Nitro, on Blaze and Lazer…