News in review

Tuesday, March 28

Buford not as bad as some say

City school parents Lois Wallenhorst and Syd Knight write in today’s Daily Progress in support of Buford Middle School, lately the subject of much controversy because of threatening incidents involving some students. But most of the 612 students deserve praise and recognition, Wallenhorst and Knight say. "The truth is that the overwhelming majority of studentsÉare there to learn, and there is a process in place for dealing with the disruptive few. To define Buford by these events is mistaken."

"Many people who criticize conditions at the school seem to forget that kids come to Buford reflecting all of the disparity and inequity among Charlottesville’s racial and socio-economic groups," they continue. "These are community problems, not Buford problems alone."

Wednesday, March 29

Cluster luck

The road to a successful vintage is littered with discarded grape vines and garden-variety good fortune. So recounts Dennis Horton, the Gordonsville vintner who is the subject of a front-page article in the Food section of today’s Washington Post. "I’ve torn up more vines than most people have ever planted," Horton tells the paper about the early years at his eponymous Vineyards. "The pinot noir I made tasted like something that ought to run my car." Nowadays, Horton Vineyard’s Viognier, a peach and vanilla-flavored white wine, ranks among 40 of the greatest wine-making successes in the United States, according to people who track this sort of thing. Why did Viognier (pronounced VEE-on-yay) take when other varietals didn’t? It can withstand Virginia’s unpredictable spring.

Thursday, March 30

Dispatches from the Department of Inadvertent Bad Taste

Liesel Nowak, in this morning’s Daily Progress, commenting on developments in the case against four local teens who allegedly plotted to bomb two County high schools: "The case started with a bang and it’s ending with a whimper." She doesn’t mean that the way it sounds, right?

Friday, March 31

Fewer of us unemployed in February (but we still can’t afford to live here)

The Virginia Employment Commission reports today that Charlottesville’s unemployment rate dropped in February to 2.5 percent from 2.7 percent in January. A year ago, unemployment in Charlottesville was 3.1 percent. Overall, the state was stable in February at 3.3 percent, same as January, besting the national unemployment rate of 5.1 percent. The area with the least unemployment? Loudoun County.

Former Cav lighting up MLB with his all-star attitude

If these quotes in a Washington Post story today about Ryan Zimmerman, starting third baseman for the Washington Nationals, are any indication, great things are ahead for the former UVA baseball star: "He doesn’t look like a kid up there," hitting coach Mitchell Page said, of Zim’s .347 spring training batting average. "Defensively," General Manager Jim Bowden said, "he’s very, very special." People are already talking Golden Glove when they mention Zimmerman’s name.

Saturday, April 1

Man, you are so busted!

Following No. 11 George Mason University’s storied journey through the NCAA Tournament, students at the Fairfax school hit the road to follow the team’s climb to the Final Four, where, sadly, they lost today to Florida, 73-58. The Washington Post reports, in pregame coverage today, that among the loyal fans making the Midwestern pilgrimage during the tournament was Matt Helt, a GMU senior from Charlottesville. Before heading to the first round of the tournament in Dayton, Ohio, he underwent knee surgery. There, the Post reports, "he got a frantic phone call from his mother, who spotted him on television jumping up and down on his recently repaired knee."

Sunday, April 2

Local institutions battle for crown on next-day blues

It’s a toss-up as to who’s more tired this morning: the 1,900 people who completed the Charlottesville Ten Miler yesterday, or the 300+ who attended the 30th anniversary party for C&O restaurant last night. Wait a minute, we’re all tuckered out today, due to the start of Daylight Savings Time. "Spring" forward, indeed.

Monday, April 3

Cornell mourns kid who drank himself to death on UVA visit

The Ithaca Journal reports that there will be a memorial service today on the campus of Cornell University for freshman Matthew Pearlstone. The 19-year-old engineering student died on March 17 in Charlottesville. He was visiting a friend at UVA and imbibed a fatal amount of alcohol, according to the State medical examiner’s toxicology report. Pearlstone’s funeral was held on March 23 in St. Louis, his hometown.

New buildings slated for downtown

Developers Atwood and Woodard have submitted plans

Developers Bill Atwood and Keith Woodard have both submitted tentative plans to the City for two separate mixed-use projects Downtown. Atwood’s project is planned for the lot that straddles Water Street and South Street (now owned by fellow developer Oliver Kuttner) that is the current home of Eloise, Sidetracks, and a parking lot. Woodard’s plans involve developing the old Wachovia buildings on the Downtown Mall (directly opposite the C-VILLE offices), which he bought in July 2003 for $1.8 million.

Atwood, who is also an architect, has the more flushed-out plans of the pair. He has submitted a formal application for approval to the City, though City planner Mary Joy Scala says the City will probably expect more detail before final approval is granted. Atwood’s design has something of a Jekyl-and-Hyde quality, striving to meet the City’s demands for a building that is sensitive to its architectural neighbors on both Water and South streets. The Water Street facade rises 10 stories and—in a display of big-city style—features bright splashes of red paint. In contrast, the facade on South Street is a series of three-storey brick townhouses that mirror the style of the surrounding single-family dwellings.

Woodard, head of Woodard Properties and a major student-housing landlord, says his plans for the old Wachovia buildings (so named because they adjoin the Wachovia Bank office tower) are still in the preliminary approval stages; Scala says Woodard is seeking demolition approval. Woodard is planning to preserve the current facades on the Downtown Mall, but the building will rise nine stories behind those fronts, making for a towering face on Market Street. Designed for retail, office and residential space, the most enticing part of the design is the parking. Woodard plans to use underground parking, accessed by a group of three-car elevators, to magically make vehicles disappear from crowded Downtown streets. Whee! Even more fun (for City officials, anyway) are estimates claiming that Woodard’s project could add $100 million to Charlottesville’s taxable real estate.

Contacted for comment, both Atwood and Woodard acknowledged that they have plans in the works, but declined to say anything further about the projects while their respective developments remain in the early stages.—Nell Boeschenstein

Spring showers on local officials’ shopping list

Local water officials aren’t using the "D" word just yet, but they acknowledge that rainfall is "well below normal" for 2006. The Rivanna Water and Sewer Authority, along with the City of Charlottesville and Albemarle County, are currently writing a drought-management plan that could go into effect if April showers don’t soon come to the rescue.

RWSA Director Thomas Frederick says the new drought management plan would make for a more coordinated response to water shortages than what we saw in 2002. "We needed a better plan," he admits. Four years ago, the City and County seemed caught off guard by plunging reservoir levels; the City and County often had different responses to the drought, and critics said some of the measures (like the City’s closing of commercial car washes) seemed more symbolic than practical in reducing water use.

"It was just too confusing," says City Public Works Director Judith Mueller. "We want to make sure we’re in sync with Albemarle County, that we’re all doing the same thing."

Mueller is still working on the City’s plan. The County, on the other hand, revamped its plan right after the drought, in November 2002. The County’s plan provides a list of "phase one" restrictions that would penalize those who hose off driveways or parking lots, for example, or water plants. "Phase two" restrictions would require businesses to implement their plans to reduce water consumption by 20 percent (you know—those plans that government asked businesses to draft in 2002). You business owners still have those, right?

Let’s hope we don’t need them. As of Friday, March 31, Central Virginia had received less than 5" of rain for the year. Currently, the area’s four reservoirs are full, but water officials say they are particularly troubled by low water levels in the local streams that feed groundwater supplies. In a report Frederick gave to the RWSA board on Monday, March 27, he said citizens should recognize that "there is a higher-than-average probability that this year could be a drought year."

On a related note, the RWSA will hold a public meeting on April 18, at 7pm in the Monticello High School auditorium, to announce plans to expand the local water supply.—John Borgmeyer

Woolen Mills, the poem

The city’s most fragrant neighborhood, in verse

Last week several Woolen Mills residents addressed the Rivanna Water and Sewer Authority, protesting the odor that comes from the nearby Moore’s Creek Wastewater Compost Facility. That’s where the RWSA collects and treats "biosolids" (a public relations term that refers to, uh, human solid waste) and turns them into compost for sale to local green thumbs. Touched by their nose-pinching plight, C-VILLE’s resident poet composed a limerick in their honor.

Ode to Woolen Mills

Sadly, strolling to the east from Downtown

May induce a wee wrinkle-nosed frown.

Scents unthinkable oft

In Woolen Mills do waft—

Hate to say it, but it smells ratherÉ brown. —J. Alfred Poopfrock

More bad drivers coming to your neighborhood soon

Virginia is home to seven of the 100 fastest growing counties in the United States, according to a new report from the U.S. Census Bureau. Three Virginia counties grew so much in 2004 that they made the Top 10: Loudoun, near Washington, D.C., and, a bit farther south, King George and Caroline. While Albemarle didn’t grow fast enough to make the Top 100, several nearby counties did: Culpeper, Louisa, Spotsylvania and Fluvanna.

That’s bad news for local drivers fed up with traffic, because all of those new residents will likely be looking for work in Charlottesville.

For instance, while Louisa’s location is an asset in attracting new residents, most of those newcomers work outside the county, with many of them commuting to Charlottesville. "Given the number of building permits we’re issuing, I think we’re going to see at least a few more years of this rapid growth," says Louisa County Administrator C. Lee Lintecum.

What’s the take-home message, in that case? When you’re sitting in traffic, itching to honk your horn at the moron in front of you, chill out. That moron may not only be new to the neighborhood, but up for that plum position as your new supervisor.

Below is a list of Virginia’s fastest-growing counties, their national rank on the new Census report and their current growth rates.—Esther Brown

Asking for $12 million to expand programs

"Doctors treat disease. Nurses care for the people who have the disease." This is how School of Nursing Dean Jeanette Lancaster describes her profession. At a time when for-profit medicine seems more dehumanized than ever, Lancaster hopes big donors will buy into the idea of greater compassion through nursing.

The Commonwealth has already chipped in $6 million to expand the School of Nursing, and Lancaster is seeking $12 million more in private donations for a new building and an expansion of McLeod Hall, the school’s current home. Lancaster hopes the campaign will raise nursing’s profile as the profession approaches a crossroads: Statistics indicate a shortage of young nurses, even as hospitals rely more heavily on these medical professionals for patient care. The School of Nursing is just the latest facility at UVA to hit up donors for big capital improvements. However, with nurses earning starting salaries of around $43,000, Lancaster acknowledges that she’s probably going to have to work harder than, say, the School of Law or Darden to reach her goal.—John Borgmeyer

High-tech gym makes you bigger, faster, stronger

There’s an exciting development in athletic performance-enhancement underway in Charlottesville—so new that Barry Bonds hasn’t even heard of it yet. A new clinic called SPEED (an acronym for Strength, Power, Endurance, Education and Development) has opened under the Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation at the UVA Health System.

The clinic is designed to be a high-performance resource for endurance athletes with one goal in mind: to make you faster.

SPEED is one of two centers in the country that employ a high-tech method of comprehensive bio-mechanical analysis to help tailor an individual program for each athlete to maximize performance. It’s a mouthful, but here’s what it looks like: Athletes run or pedal a bike on a treadmill (one of two in the world that constantly analyzes motion in three dimensions). Meanwhile, 10 high-speed infrared cameras bounce light off of as many as 50 markers stuck into an athlete’s joints. This data is sent to a computer, which creates a vector model of the athlete’s motion. SPEED engineers analyze it and show the athlete the changes that will improve his performance and prevent injury. This complex set-up is worth more than $1.5 million, and according to SPEED Director Jay Dicharry, "Unless you have access to an Olympic training center, you simply don’t have access to this type of equipment."

What does this mean for the average weekend warrior? If you’ve never felt quite right since that ACL sprain five years ago, SPEED can rebuild you. Better than you were before. Better, stronger, faster. (Cue echoey jumping sound effect.)

With steroids soaking up media attention in both professional and, increasingly, amateur sports, Dicharry emphasizes SPEED is not simply steroids without the Congressional investigation, It’s not a quick fix, he explains—though it is personalized remedy. "I’m not just giving out candy here," he says with a chuckle. "This is a legal, legit edge that everyone has access to. We’re not just saying we can make a difference, but we can quantify it. I just hope people understand what we have here, because it’s absolutely amazing."—Steven Schiff

Chronic problems for football

Mary Jane suspected in player cuts

Without an explicit explanation, UVA head football coach Al Groh dismissed linebacker Ahmad Brooks, defensive end Vince Redd, and cornerback Tony Franklin from the team last Tuesday, one day before spring practice. "It’s a privilege, not a right, to wear a Cavalier jersey and to represent our University community," said Groh.

Why were a junior and two seniors—all probable defensive starters—given the boot? Speculators on message boards put it like this: "They had chronic issues." Pun definitely intended, according to a post on the website Sabre.com. Reportedly, Brooks and Franklin have both been charged with possession of marijuana during their Wahoo careers; last season, Groh gave one-game suspensions to Franklin and Redd for breaking team rules. Brooks, who was All-ACC in his sophomore year, was suspended after failing a drug test in February, following his announcement that he would return for his senior season rather than enter the NFL draft.–Will Goldsmith

For more on UVA athletes gone wrong, see Courts and Crime News on page 15.

Celebrating dead presidents

Casteen mum on timetable for kicking the bucket

Look out, John Casteen! The Board of Visitors is already planning your funeral.

When the board meets this weekend, they will likely approve a new perq for, shall we say, "outgoing" UVA presidents. The Building and Grounds committee will consider establishing up to 24 "Presidents’ Plot" graves for ex-presidents and their spouses at the University Cemetery, located on campus at the corner of McCormick and Alderman roads. No word on how quickly UVA aims to fill the holes, and Casteen could not be reached for comment about when he might take advantage of the new benefit.—Meg McEvoy

Honor system works— or does it?

Students differ on whether expulsion is tough love or simply cruel

UVA’s Honor Court, much maligned for its soft touch, has finally expelled someone. An open honor trial concluded last week and found Steve Gilday to be guilty of act, intent and seriousness when lying to his professor about an allegedly doctored take-home exam.

The pros and cons of UVA’s single-sanction honor system is an oft-debated topic on campus. Here’s what some Wahoos had to say in the aftermath of the open trial.

A Cavalier Daily editorial published March 27 declared that the trial restored confidence in the system:

"The accused student on the whole received a fair trial—one which gives students a reason to feel better about the effectiveness of their honor system. The accused student should be thanked for opening himself up to scrutiny in order to further transparency and awareness of the honor system."

But some students just don’t have the stomach for expulsion, especially given the special circumstances of the case. (Gilday admitted to lying in an e-mail to his professor, but not to cheating on the exam.) Senior Ashok John wrote to the Daily: "To me, the case exhibits how rigid and unforgiving our entire community seems to be concerning the issue of making mistakes in the academic realm. Gilday apologized to the person he admits he had wronged within hours of the incident. After such an apology, regardless of whether this act is made official, it is simply unmerciful and cruel to take such harsh punitive action."

Gilday filed an intent to appeal, which, if granted, could take months. If not, perhaps Gilday can get an honorary degree in "Being an Example."—Meg McEvoy

Gag order issued for teen bomber case

By order of judge, no information can be released

Tuesday, March 28, marked the end of a long third day in the trial of three county teens accused of plotting to blow up area high schools. The case that began with a much-hyped press conference took a different turn when Albemarle Commonwealth’s Attorney Jim Camblos emerged from the front door of Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court to announce: "Under court order [the case] is completely closedÉ I can’t tell you what happened. I’m not trying to be rude. I’m not trying to be mean. I just can’t talk about it." He then walked off towards his Court Square office as one Richmond TV reporter yelled after him, "Can you just tell me whether I need to come back to Charlottesville for this?" In the meantime, defense attorneys for two of the kids, David Heilberg and Rhonda Quagliana, slipped out the back door and had "no comment" on the case.

By Friday, however, two Media General newspapers, the Richmond Times Dispatch and The Daily Progress, had reported that the 15-year-old (there are two 13-year-old defendants, too) had been convicted. When contacted for comment, Camblos confirmed this, adding that the boy’s sentencing date has been set for April 12 at 3pm.

Judge Susan Whitlock’s decision prevented Camblos and all others connected with the case from discussing whether a verdict had been reached, what that verdict might have been, or even whether another court date has been set. The order was intended to protect the privacy rights of the juveniles, particularly those of the 13-year-olds whose trial had been joined to that of the 15-year-old. A 16-year-old also charged in the case pleaded guilty from the outset—he’ll be sentenced in early April.

The fact that so little information about the case has been made available has not eased the concerns of many parents, teachers and administrators asking questions about safety in County schools. In response to such concerns, Camblos has filed a motion with the Judge Whitlock to find out what information, exactly, is covered by the gag order. He expects an answer April 5.—Nell Boeschenstein

The tumbling walls of justice

Renovations set back as J&DR court collapses

Ooops! Construction workers toiling over the renovation project of the old Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court on High Street were a tad surprised on Thursday, March 30, when an entire back corner wall of the building just up and collapsed into a pile of bricks. The structural failure, while unexpected, was not catastrophic, and no one was hurt by the falling debris. The building, constructed in the 1890s, has been undergoing renovations since 2004, and this mishap is sure to delay that project (originally scheduled for completion in 2008). As of now, officials have no new time estimates, however. In the meantime, J&DR cases are being held across the street at the old Levy Opera House on Court Square. At press time, City inspectors were still determining the cause of the collapse.—Nell Boeschenstein

UVA jocks arrested for B&E

Students are currently out on bail

Adding to the recent spate of college athletes allegedly shunning law and order (for more, see UVA News, page 13), two UVA athletes were arrested here last week. Eighteen-year-old Michael Giallombardo, a soccer player, and 19-year-old football player Michael A. Brown were apprehended by City police on March 27 on charges stemming from a frat house brouhaha earlier in the month. Both are charged with breaking and entering with intent to commit assault, and trespassing with intent to damage property in the Delta Upsilon incident. Giallombardo and Brown each posted $2,500 bond and are currently still on the roster with their respective teams.

In response, the University’s Executive Associate Director of Athletics, Jon Oliver, released a brief statement: "We’re aware of the charges. We’re going to meet with both student-athletes and the head coaches from both programs to determine what happensÉ pending the outcome of the criminal process. Until we do that, we haven’t taken any action with the student-athletes."—Nell Boeschenstein

Local arrested in July abduction

Suspect apprehended in New York

Charlottesville resident Kiheem Byers was picked up by New York police on March 29 on charges stemming from a July breaking-and-entering incident in Charlottesville. According to the City, three residents of Robertson Avenue house had just come on the scene when they saw a man climbing in the window of their home. The three went inside to see who was breaking into their house, at which point the perpetrator held them at gun point, threatened them and shot the gun, missing his intended victim. Byers is charged with abduction (abduction is automatically charged whenever someone is held at gunpoint), felonious assault, breaking and entering, and use of a firearm to commit a felony. At press time he was in New York awaiting extradition to Charlottesville.—Nell Boeschenstein

The human view of immigration

Local attorney says think "people," not "policy"

As the 2006 Congressional elections get hot, the issue of immigration has become the preferred pedestal for political grandstanding. Amidst all the overheated rhetoric, a local attorney reminds voters to think of immigrants as people, not policy.

The issue was front and center at a conference called "Welcome to America: Immigration, Families, and the Law," held at UVA’s School of Law on March 30 and 31. Speaking at a panel on Thursday, Doug Ford, an immigration attorney for Charlottesville’s Legal Aid Justice Center, tried to humanize the issue.

Ford recounted the story of a single mother struggling to provide for two teenage daughters. While some politicians (like Charlottesville’s Republican Congressman Virgil Goode) talk about immigrants as potential terrorists, Ford says the story of a woman’s plight to save her family is the more typical immigrant narrative. It’s an age-old tale: a parent making sacrifices for the sake of her family. "She came here looking for a better life," Ford says. "It is the stereotypical story of the American Dream." A dream, he estimates, that 7.5 million Latin American immigrants are currently struggling to realize.

Legislation now pending in the Senate would legalize immigrants already here—provided they are working, pay taxes and agree to learn English. A House bill passed in December takes a different tack: It would declare that all current illegal immigrants are felons.—Amy Kniss

City and County craft spending plans

Growth is both sickness and cure for local budgets

This month City and County officials will approve their budgets for fiscal year 2006-07. Both jurisdictions lament the cost of "urbanization challenges" that they say drive big jumps in spending.

City Council and City Manager Gary O’Connell have come under fire recently for a budget that has doubled since 1996—to $121.2 million this year from $59.5 million a decade ago. With a fixed boundary of 10 square miles, the City must rely heavily on the rising assessments of existing real estate to pay for growing expenses, prompting backlash from homeowners tired of rising tax bills. On Wednesday, March 29, Coun-cil tried to answer critics with proposed budget cuts that would lower the proposed real estate tax rate 4.5 cents to $1.005 (per $100 of assessed value) from the current rate of $1.05.

The County’s budget has also more than doubled in 10 years. The County did its business with $123.8 million in 1997, compared to this year’s $259.3 million spending plan. However, prodigious commercial and residential construction in 2005 allows County officials to increase spending (up 11 percent from last year) while holding steady the County’s real estate tax rate of 74 cents. In the county, like the city, rising assessments mean homeowners see higher tax bills, even if the rate remains fixed.

County growth means more tax revenue, but it also costs money. "We’re at a critical point where we need to build roads and add police and libraries and fire stations," says spokeswoman Lee Catlin. "Money invested now will save the taxpayer money in the long run. County growth also has costs for Charlottesville, says City spokesman Ric Barrick. "People from the county come into the city seeking services," he says, and drive up costs for public safety and jails.

For local officials, growth is also a cure for budget ills. The City, for example, is trying to encourage condos and "mixed use" development to take the pressure off single-family homeowners. O’Connell says the plan is working; in 2005, the City exceeded $100 million in annual economic development for the first time.

Discussion of the City and County budgets continues this week. If you’re curious about what those government officials do all day, and why it costs so much freakin’ money, you can check out the budgets at www.charlottesville.org and www.albemarle.org. The City will likely approve a final budget on April 11, and the County will vote on the budget on April 12.—John Borgmeyer

CHS student co-chairs City council campaign

Brian Bills can’t vote, but he loves politics

Brian Bills, a junior at Charlottesville High School, was recently named co-chair of the Get Out the Vote effort for the Democratic City Council campaign. The 17-year-old also is the founder and president of the Young Liberals at CHS, and coordinated the Young Liberals of Central Virginia. During Tim Kaine’s gubernatorial campaign, the YLCV made 2,600 phone calls and knocked on 2,000 doors. Bills recently sat down with C-VILLE and disproved the myth of widespread youth apathy. An edited transcript follows.—Nell Boeschenstein

C-VILLE: Why do you want to co-chair this campaign?

Bill Brian: It’s really the same reason I’m involved in politics at all: I feel like I can make a difference. Especially with a local election, it’s all about voter turnout. No candidate has ever lost for City Council who’s gotten 3,900 votes. Now think about it: It’s not really that many people.

What are some of the issues that will determine the outcome of the election?

I think it’s interesting the slogan that’s been chosen for the Democratic City Council candidates: "Yes to Charlottesville." I feel like [Republican incumbent Rob] Schilling is often viewed as being the way Democrats are viewed nationally—always saying "No" to people and to suggestions, and not really having any constructive solutions of his own.

People think that Democrats’ complacency is the reason Schilling won last time. How are you going to remedy that? Is the complacency still there?

Absolutely not. We take Rob Schilling very, very seriously as a candidate. The Democratic Party has been waking up to the fact that we’re going to need to run a very serious campaign.

What gave you this fire in your belly to begin with?

I, personally, like to trace it back to The Lorax, a book Dr. Seuss wrote about environmental destruction. I’ve always been really motivated by injustice. I see something that’s wrong in the world and I’m just like, "Wait. What is this? What’s going on here?" If I don’t do anything about it then I don’t have any right to complain. And if I can’t vote in the City Council election, why not try and convince somebody else to?

Good enough for government work

101 ways to join the establishment

If you have to whip up one more double nonfat, no-whip, extra-hot, attitude-infused caramel macchiato, you’re going to go apeshit. It’s time for you to get a new job with slightly less annoying customers: schoolchildren.

While their office coffee may not be as tasty as your java joint, Albemarle County and the City of Charlottesville have a total of 101 positions currently available—and you can even apply online! The biggest need is for bus drivers that can pass a drug screening and are willing to work for between $11 and $13 an hour. (Apparently bus drivers burn out really quicklyÉ wonder why?)

If you crave abuse from kids without all the driving, you can be a "school bus aid," getting paid to ride around on the bus helping the driver cling to his last frayed nerve. Or, if you’re ready to dish it out on the little darlings, the County is looking for classroom teachers and a principal. Or maybe you’re ready to get physical. If so, Western Albemarle High School needs an assistant and head coach for the junior varsity wrestling team. Admit it—landing a good pile driver is a helluva lot more fun than serving a latte.

If your interests run closer to seersucker than spandex, no problem, there’s a job for you, too. Apply to be a City golf-course attendant, a la Bill Murray in Caddyshack. Starting salary is $9.36 an hour, but at least you can smack those gophers upside the head without getting sued.—Esther Brown