Dear Buck: All right, now we’re talking! Finally, a question with a little oomph, a little intrigue. Frankly, Ace is getting a wee bit bored with all of these straightforward queries that require just a single phone call to unravel. Ace is an intrepid investigative journalist, darnit! A regular Philip Marlowe of the alt-weekly world, if you will.
So, after taking a slug of rotgut whiskey from his well-worn flask, Ace asks himself: What do we know? Well, it is true that Elway’s daughter Jordan attends UVA (where, following in her dad’s cleat-prints, she tears
up the field as a member of the lacrosse team). Unfortunately, Jordan’s UVA webpage doesn’t mention a thing about her dad moving to town, and Ace’s tactfully worded e-mail on the subject remains unanswered.
But is Ace discouraged by this investigative dead end? No he is not! Like Sam Spade scratching the paint off the Maltese Falcon, Ace knows that the real mystery has only begun. The next alley to explore is Charlottesville’s dishy real estate market. Surely someone in the wheeling, dealing world of high dollar housing will be able to confirm such a big-time sale. But, after checking all of the recent sales on the CAAR website (that’s Charlottesville Area Association of Realtors, for those not in the know), and talking to folks at both the Albemarle and Greene County assessors’ offices, Ace still comes up empty. There seemed to be only one recent sale in the Advance Mills area (for $1.6 million, which would buy Ace a heaping helping of black coffee and cigarettes),but that was to a married couple, neither of which, as far as Ace could tell, had ever driven the Broncos 98 yards in five minutes to win an AFC championship game against the Cleveland Browns.
In despair, Ace even called a local realtor who had properties in the area, but her icy demeanor caused Ace to fear that, if he continued to press his point, he might find his nose sliced open Jake Gittes-style.
Wow. This investigative journalist stuff is hard work! No wonder Ace usually avoids it like hard-luck cases and gun-toting dames. In a final, desperate attempt to crack this case, Ace called the NFL Players Association, who kindly referred him to the home offices of Arena Football League champions the Colorado Crush, who are partly owned by the Mile-High hero. There, Ace spoke with one Kathy Hatch, who, among other things, is John Elway’s personal assistant. And what did she have to say about the Pro Football Hall-of-Famer moving to our splendid little town?
“No, definitely not. He hasn’t bought a house there, and he’s not moving.”
Ouch. Well, I guess Ace has learned his lesson on this one. Sometimes, it seems, the simple questions are best. Who wants to know why Fox’s Café is closed on Sundays?
