How to balance the Charlottesville city budget in the bitter year ahead? Why not get new ideas on the table? C-VILLE convened an expert panel of drunks, disbarred attorneys and talking parrots to devise creative solutions to fill city coffers.
Eliminate need for fire department by banning fires. City savings: $8.7 million
Convert Free Speech monument into billboard. Projected revenue: $10,000
Take advantage of Guantanamo while it still lasts: Eliminate local courts by labeling all criminals as “enemy combatants,” let military tribunals sort them out. City savings: $1.7 million
Learn from Delaware model. Set up $2 toll booths on Route 29 at Hydraulic Road (60,000 cars a day) and on Route 250 at Free Bridge (52,000 cars a day). Projected revenue: $81.8 million
Retail JADE seized drugs. Projected revenue: $200,000
Conscript “volunteers” from city schools to perform all park maintenance. Justify as joint effort to fight obesity and teach “life skills.” City savings: $3.6 million
Simplify rezoning/site plan process by scrapping Neighborhood Development Services and instead authorizing City Council to accept over-the-table bribes from developers. City savings: $2.6 million. Projected revenue: $2 million
Quit funding the public library. City savings: $1.3 million. Revenue bonus: would encourage book buying, thereby increasing sales tax revenue.
Sell ads on Channel 10 during City Council, Planning Commission, and Board of Architectural Review. Projected revenue: $43
Scrap Downtown Mall rebricking project. City savings: $7 million
Initial consultant reports on new projects are usually criticized and replaced by second round of consultant reports (see: 50-year water supply plan). Save on first step by hiring C-VILLE’s expert panel as consultants on all projects, reducing costs to case of Wild Irish Rose. City savings: $ (a lot)
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